If You've Seen One Epiphany, You've Seen Them All

As a result of the growing chorus calling for an actual plan in Iraq, the Bushter tip-toed into Annapolis this morning and speechified about it. The goal was to offer something more substantial than the "It Takes as Long as It Takes and We Must Win and Just Trust Me" plan. Judging from what we know so far, we - and certainly others - suspect this may not be the correct formula. However, we'll give it a little room to breathe before we jump on his back. We are heartened that Shrub seems to have seen a least a small sliver of light about even needing a real plan. True, it took merciless hammering for two years and record low job approvals to do it, but he's clearly a believer in the "better late than never" stance.

What we aren't heartened by is Shrub's insistence on leaving many of the key people who helped create this mess in their positions of authority. Forgetting about his Administration's many other fiascos, and Condoleeza Rice's recent performance notwithstanding, there are still quite a few obvious boneheads wandering the halls of the White House in search of something else to muck up.

Perhaps the chief mucker this week is SecDef Donald Rumsfeld. As he's done several times in the past, he offered public comments that again show just how big a knothead he is. In the midst of the worsening crisis in Iraqi he felt it necessary to weigh in with an important revision to Webster's Dictionary - insurgents aren't really insurgents. "Enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government," was Rummy's suggestion. EOTLIG for short. It sort of rolls off the tongue like his suggestion to change the "war on terror" to the "global struggle against violent extremism," or GSAVE. Or how about his insistence that the nations fighting the war be called a "coalition" when the biggest contributor to the effort aside from Britain was that other well-known world power Poland. And lets not forget Togo's contribution either, we couldn't win without them either. We won't even go into that whole suicide vs homicide bomber thing.

We don't think EOTLIG will stick. For one thing, even Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Peter Pace said, "I have to use the word 'insurgent' because I can't think of a better word right now." Pace even apologized for using the word a second time, saying, "Sorry, sir. I'm not trainable today." We will agree on one thing, there was an untrainable person on the podium yesterday, and it wasn't Pace.

Rummy called his notion to change the vernacular an epiphany. We're glad he continues to have these visions, but we'd sure be happier if he had epiphanies about something important like doing his freaking job. We'd be even happier if the Chimp-in-Chief had an epiphany and fired his sorry ass. But sadly, we think Bush doesn't pray at that church.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, November 30, 2005

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The Evil Minions of Cable TV

Companies no longer need to provide good service, they need only suck marginally less than their competitors.
-- Omnipotent Poobah, 2005

As omnipotent beings go, we're usually quite laid back. We promised, at an early age, to use our powers only for good, but sometimes our aversion to smiting the deserving is greatly tested.

This morning we had a rather vociferous "discussion" with one of the Minions of Evil in Comast's billing department. It was the third try to straighten out a billing problem that has existed since our credit card was stolen and we had to change the number on all of our accounts. We won't go into the gory details of incompetence, but the evil disembodied voice on the call kept trying to lecture us on proper behavior by constantly interrupting us when we were pontificating. We have few buttons to push, but she successfully found one of them and continued to push it like a doorman on crack.

After some dignified shouting, she agreed to our request for a supervisor with a relieved tone in her voice. However, the supervisor was as powerless as his drone to give assurances there would be no fourth bite at the incompetence apple. They claim the problem has now been cleared up, but they said that the first three times too. If we need a fifth attempt, we will feel completely justified in responding with suitable omnipotent rath.

Being a reflective sort of deity we thought about the call afterwards. There is no question that we entered the discussion on heightened alert, ready to pounce. It's also equally clear that the minion and supervisor were powerless to do anything other than absorb our omnipotent displeasure. But who does that leave to blame, or more importantly, who can actually fix the problem?

It seems to us that the most logical place is at the top of the corporate food chain, with the CEO. We're sure that Comcast CEO Brian Roberts is handsomely paid. We're sure that part of the way he gets handsomely paid is to "save" money at all levels of the operation. But here's the catch, what happens when all the savings become a loss?

Things can go to hell when you're too busy minding cash flow instead of the store - a fact that our national CEO, George W. Outsourcing and his Evil Minions, prove on a daily basis. But perhaps the most idiotic thing about billing systems problems is this...when they are dysfunctional your customers are reduced to having to beg you to take their money. This, in effect, rubs their nose in the fact that you raise prices and reduce service as often as a hooker has sex and then demand they pay for the privilege of catching the hooker's case of clap. Not surprisingly, this leads to low customer satisfaction (or "really pissed off customers" in the jargon of the industry).

We suppose we should feel bad about the thorough going over we gave the minion and supervisor, and we do on a personal level. We treated them shamefully. However, when we call Comcast we don't get to speak to good King Brian and discuss things dios a dios. Instead, we must talk to the most junior minions in all of King Brian's realm. We find this situation quite unsatisfactory. That's why we propose this solution:

When having problems such as ours, contact the Top Dog whenever possible. Hurl your thunderbolts at them. Ravage them in every way possible, because what they do is the true transgression...cowering behind minimum wage pawns and multiple level bureaucracy as they count their money and escape responsibility.

So, Mr. Brian Roberts, CEO of Comcast...if we have to call again about this be forewarned, we'll be skipping the low wage minions and dropping the steaming turd directly on your shiny mahogany desk next time. After all, that's what you are paid $(insert unbelievably huge number here) for.

We just want to help you with your job.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, November 29, 2005

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As We See It - Version 11.0

The Administration Takes a Novel Approach Toward Enemy Combatants

The Administration's Plan to Withdraw the Troops by Thanksgiving Hits a Snag

"Dammit! Hold Still Barney or You'll Blow It For Both of Us"

Great Minds Read Great Books

"I Swear on a Stack of Bibles"

No Honor Amongst Criminals

Come On George, They Can Do Their Own Dirty Work

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, November 27, 2005

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Please Excuse the Dust

We're in the process of moving to a new template for the Omnipotent Poobah Speaks. Please excuse the dust as we tweak here and tweak there. We know it's annoying for you, but imagine how annoying it is for us.

In any case, we hope you'll like the changes after we work out all the kinks. In the meantime, if you see something that doesn't work or have suggestions, leave us a comment to let us know.

And now, back to our regular programming.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Saturday, November 26, 2005

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Thanks! Thanks! We Don't Need No Stinkin' Thanks!

It's the day after Thanksgiving and the world is returning to normal. The shopping malls are stuffed tighter than Dick Cheney's belly after a campaign trail rubber chicken meal. Hackers are busily back at work propagating the latest version of digital hell. Even Karl and Scooter are still on the hot seat. In short, it's back to a normal Friday.

That's the thing about
Peace on Earth holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, et al. No matter how much thanks you've been giving, the harsh reality of a new day torn asunder by war, disaster, and greed always returns right on schedule.

We're sure the more optimistic of you will stop and give thanks for this
new day. But us, we're a little less profligate in how much thanks we toss about. We're less about thanks and more about, how the hell did we get into this handbasket and why are we going there? Some might say this is a glass half empty observation, while terminal optimists would say it's a glass half full. We prefer to think of it as a half a glass outlook - one that simply states a reality instead of twisting it to please ourselves.

One of the reasons we fell out of the religious fold of our youth was an observation about the several congregations to which we belonged - all too often the congregants came to church to feel good rather than to do good. For a great many, simply showing up, making the right noises, and thanking Jesus at the end of the service was enough. They could go home and be the same asshats they were the other six days of the week, but do it with a clear conscience.

Quite often, the secular folks were no better. Many of them spent their time making money with little thought about how what they did affected others. They felt it was perfectly OK to lecture workers about
necessary layoffs and sharing the pain, but only after making sure they had their own jobs, pensions, and bonuses secure. Fell some trees, dig a pit, poison some water? That was OK as long as they got theirs up front - in cash or easily convertible stocks. They are living, walking proof that religion isn't the only refuge of maladjusted, there are plenty of them in corporate suites around the world too.

So what do you do to keep from sinking in the pit along with them? How do you do something and feel good about it while staying honest and true to yourself? Where should you apply your "thanks"?

Here's what we recommend:

Be thankful you have a mind, and then use it. Whether you think some omnipotent being - don't look at us - endowed you with it or some prehistoric lizard morphed it into you, or you just sprouted up in the bathroom mildew overnight, give thanks that you have it. It's an essential tool and the only thing that stands between you and the just plain "tools". And for that, you can be truly thankful.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Friday, November 25, 2005

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Well, If We Must - Our Thanksgiving Message For You

We're not really your normal holiday celebrating deity. We don't demand our followers attend fancy services. We don't feel the need to send cards, make telephone calls, or call for peace on Earth. It probably wouldn't do any good even if we did. In fact, we only did yesterday's Thanksgiving list because everyone else does it. Although, we can still hear Mother Poobah saying, "If the other omnipotent kids decided to walk on water does that mean you have to too?

While there are a great many things we dislike about holidays in general and Thanksgiving in particular, there are other things we rather enjoy about them too. In the case of Thanksgiving, it is the quiet.

For a single day, the throngs of cars on the roads thin. The low-rumbled din of traffic and airliners and commuter trains becomes a whisper. Most people head indoors and prepare themselves for the annual calorie-fest. Afterwards, the majority have the good sense to curl up in a comfy chair, unbuckle their too-tight belts, and sigh while tryptophan-induced dreams dance in their heads. Sure there are a few asshats that have too much to drink and take potshots at one another, but it weren't for them, where would Cops get its material?

Even the Web is an unusually quiet place. The Big Blogs take the day off. The News Blogs cut back so their scriveners can enjoy the day with their families. Perhaps the only virtual places that are busy on Thanksgiving are the shopping sites. We imagine Wal-Mart made about a billion dollars in the time it took us to type this sentence for instance.

So it could be a much worse holiday. Christmas, now there's is a stinker, with it's big buildup, all the pressure, the expense, and tension. We're not Jewish, but we've been told that Hanukkah can be a snooze-fest too. We're not sure which holiday Hindus love to hate, but we're sure there must be one.

So what is our Thanksgiving message for you and the rest of the human race?
  • Enjoy the downtime, there's precious little of it.
  • Eat as much as you want, regardless of what the killjoys want you to think about starving kids in Africa - your food would be spoiled by the time it got there and they probably don't like turkey anyway.
  • If you must feel guilty, send an extra big check to the charity of your choice - in fact, do this even if you don't feel guilty because its the least you can do you great lump of turkey lard and green bean casserole.
  • Be happy, and if you can't be happy, at least don't feel unhappy.
Oh, and one more thing. Save some stuffing for us, because we love that stuff almost more than life itself - the regular kind, not the fancy chestnut kind.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, November 24, 2005

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The Obligatory Thanksgiving List

As a young college student - back in the era before time began - we had long hair and a very full beard. We assumed this sartorial splendor mostly because we were too lazy to have it cut. However, we felt we needed an explanation for when those of a less hirsute nature asked why we looked the way we looked. Our pat answer was, "We're a college student. College students have long hair and beards. Ergo, we look this way because we don't want to disappoint you."

That's sort of how we feel about the usual holiday "lists" - in this case, Thanksgiving. This has been one butt-ugly year for us, with one personal issue after another in a long line stretching to the horizon. However, since we don't want to disappoint, here is what we are thankful for this year.
  • We're really, really thankful that we weren't at the Barnes and Noble on Sixth Avenue and 22nd St. in New York yesterday. We firmly believe that Bea Arthur and holidays are a toxic combination.
  • We're really thankful that we always make our own stuffing at Thanksgiving. Something's always a little "off" with the boxed stuff.
  • We're thankful for the love and encouragement we receive from Mrs. Poobah and the Poobette. Being lonely can really be a drag.
  • We are thankful for the drugs that keep us calm.
  • We're thankful that we aren't a screaming hag of an incompetent Ohio Congresswoman. In fact, we're glad we have absolutely nothing to do with Congress, because we couldn't stomach our turkey if we did.
  • We're thankful that we aren't so completely consumed by making money that we write lists like this.
  • We're thankful that someone in FEMA has an ounce of sense and restored funding for Katrina victims until after the holidays. Otherwise, we're not thankful for much when it comes to FEMA.
  • We're thankful that we're in a position to give rather than receive.
  • We're thankful that we don't have to write a Thanksgiving story like this because it sucks all the life out of the party.
  • We're thankful for Dear Leader. This one, not this one.
  • We're thankful that we don't live at this person's house.
  • We're thankful we aren't members of PETA or that we don't work for Al-Jazerra.
  • We're thankful that these people are thankful, but we'd be even more thankful if they'd keep some of their thanks to themselves.
  • We're thankful for the Rev. and for his rejoining the blogosphere.
  • And finally, we're glad we're done with this list.
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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, November 23, 2005

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As We See It - Version 10.0

"Don't Blame Me, I'm Just the Preznit"

We Report, You Decide - Denny Hastert? Liar or Coward?

President Bush Welcomes the Newest Coalition Soldiers to Iraq

I'm Not Worried About My Critics, They're All Pussies Anyway

It's Nice to Wash Away All That Mud That's Been Slung

Half Democrat. Half Republican. All Darwin. The Donkephant!

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, November 22, 2005

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Short Takes

We're suffering from another bout of Short Attention Span Syndrome today. Physiologically unable to muster the attention for a wholehearted blog, we instead substitute this halfhearted posting:

Poobah Makes News in SD, Rita Cosby Reports - We'd like to thank Epp Law Report for picking up on our recent posting about MSNBC News Doyen Rita Cosby. Anything we can do to rid the populace of her carefully sculpted image is a big plus. We shouldn't complain too loudly though, we've gained a significant amount of traffic from Natalie Holloway groupies looking for fresh meat on their story.

Deer, Oh Deer - There seems to have been an unusual number of deer running amok and going aafter everything from stupid hunters to dogs. We're beginning to wander what's gotten into Bambi. Now this.

First It Was a Chinese Finger Trap, Now This - It seems the Chimp-in-Chief suffered yet another indignity on his China excursion. While trying to escape reporters, he tried to leave the room...through a locked door! We suppose in his parlance he could best be described as, "not the sharpest tool in the shed."

Lost Doonesburies Exhumed - Several yanked episodes of the comic strip Doonesbury have appeared in Slate. The strips were originally drawn about the Miers nomination, but became outdated as her resignation moved faster than the strips. Enjoy!

Fine Job Brownie, er, Donnie - Proving that ex-FEMA director Michael Brown wasn't the only impediment in the Katrina mess, things apparently aren't getting much better. Walking into the shitstorm is a new crony, Donald Powell. With a strong disaster recovery background as head of the FDIC (?!), Powell is described as, "a tall, low-key Texan who wears a cattleman's belt with a lone star under his suit." Obviously, sartorial expertise is greatly prized by the White House. It also makes us wonder what else he's got under his suit.

Stupid is as Stupid Does - In another bit of proof that Darwinism doesn't always work, an elderly man, his son-in-law, and their wives are recovering after a rocket launcher exploded as they were working on it in the basement. Since deer apparently are running amok. Perhaps they were just getting ready for a little hunting trip.

Onward Political Soldiers - Laura Bush was asked during the China trip whether she would object if the twins terrible, Barbara and Jenna, decided they'd like to go into politics. She answered no. Unasked was whether she'd also have no objections to them serving in Iraq. We would guess the answer would be a little different.

Beiseker, Alberta Selects Skunk for Mascot - The town of Beiseker, Alberta recently selected a skunk as the town mascot. While we're sure it fits well for the small town in the Canadian hinterland, it would also be a great mascot for Washington. No doubt there is plenty to stink things up in that burg.

Tonight on Cops! - We've always loved reading the police blotters in small, local newspapers. Here's a perfect example.

And if you're interested, the Poobah has been having a, ummm...er, dialog with Dread Pundit Bluto, a self-described, "lone buccaneer (who) raises his cutlass against the scurvy dogs of the vast, left-wing media conspiracy. Yarr." If you stop by though, be nice. We wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea about people on the left."

Until next time...

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, November 21, 2005

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Dear Congresswoman Schmidt...

In yesterday's blog we called for a short moratorium on the escalating mud-fest in Congress. The nearly hand-to-hand combat that broke out Friday over Rep. John Murtha's call for a troop withdrawal was still fresh and tres offensive. As the echo of name calling dissipated, we gave some more thought to the issue.

Our conclusion was that we still don't support an immediate withdrawal. A full-fledged retreat is dangerous for everyone and after what we've done to Iraq, the least we can do is be a good neighbor and help them out of the hole Shrub dug and pushed them into. Sort of the international equivalent of returning the borrowed lawn mower with a full tank of gas if you will.

Still, we'd like to see a plan built on something more than "trust me and things will be fine". We weren't inclined to give the administration any slack before the "debate" and even less so now. How we got there is yet another issue that we'll probably will never get to the bottom of.

However, our feeling about the "right" decision in exiting Iraq - for who truly knows what that is - took second place to our feelings about the smearing of Murtha. After Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Asshat, OH) took to the floor to savage Murtha's reputation we found ourselves with such a foul taste in our mouth that we decided something - even a symbolic act should be done.

Our symbolic act? We sent the following letter to Schmidt:

Dear Congresswoman Schmidt,

I am a former resident of Ohio who is outraged by your comments on the
floor of the House regarding Congressman Murtha. I've seen
many actions by politicians on both sides of the isle that make me cringe,
but your tirade about "cowards" and cutting and running is beyond the pale.

Furthermore, your half-hearted "apology", in which you claimed you
never intended any offense or meant to call him a coward was so unbelieveable
as to be laughable.

Please, show that YOU are not a coward and do the right thing in
attonement for this unwarranted attack, tender your resignation

A True Patriot,
(Our Real Name Here)

Of course, we're under no illusion that Rep. Schmidt will do any such thing - or even answer the letter as we requested. Those who sink this low rarely have the ethical fortitude to do the right things. However, we felt a little better after having vented our spleen. We encourage you to do the same. Send Rep. Schimdt, or any other politician (regardless of party) a similar letter if you feel they acted inappropriately during this shameful event.

It is the least we can do for the country, it is what patriotism is all about.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, November 20, 2005

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We Shall Rise Above

Given the depths of yesterday shenanigans in the House of Representatives, we're finding ourselves worked into a mighty lather. We carefully considered blogging on the utter contempt the Repugnants seem to have for the country in general and the soldiers in Iraq in particular.

But then, we thought better of it.

We watched the clip of Congresswoman Schmidt again and realized that if we were to unleash the entirety of our mighty and omnipotent rath, the landscape on the Republican side of the aisle would probably resemble the scorched war zone they so zealously cling to.

Instead, we are going to let our cooler side prevail. We don't want to sink to the same depths as those who mock the truth. We will rise above the petty swiftboating of an authentic American hero. We will try to be reasonable with those who clearly are not. In short, we will not be asshats of the same magnitude as the odious Denny Hastert and his many stooges. It is as undignified for a Deity such as myself as it is for the President, Vice President, and a good number of lower political lights to sling this stinking mud. We will have no part of it - at least for today.

Instead, here is a sample of a spam e-mail I recently received. It's spam trap avoiding language forms a sort of poem that we think is quite appropriate for the crazy days in which we live.

You will be able to find us in our Zen place for the remainder of the day as we meditate on it's lyrical meaning and calm our fevered nerves. Please enjoy the sheer beauty of machine-created poetry:

Are You Ignoring Me? Sixtieth Confession of Perfect Replicas

May bullrush the ratify! Saloonkeeper may Cyrus.
It's sort and chlorate
and may bedspread try Gary!

Dusseldorf! -
not found in doggone.

May bungalow be Benny, be flirtation
it's capillary on count
on skyline
and capillary be Laurence!

or Zealous!
Some dunce a gorge in Din!

Try ambling be mezzanine,
be whoa on Vermont.
Speed up a balsa on neoprene.

Dangle, but threshold it.


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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Saturday, November 19, 2005

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Now It All Makes Sense

Finally, Dick Cheney's Strange Obsession With Torture
Was Explained

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Friday, November 18, 2005

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Nuff Said?

It appears as though there is some momentum toward pushing Shrub and the Big Dick off dead center and toward doing something about the fetid cesspool we find ourselves buried in (Oh, we're sorry. We're not referring to the torture mess, war profiteering mess, or the abortion debate mess. We're talking about Iraq.) . Unfortunately, it seems to be pushing them the opposite way.

Former Democratic Hawk and soon to be Swift Boat Veteran Victim, Rep. John Murtha, threw his considerable bulk behind a call for an immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq. The Big Guy tearily said publicly what anyone with half a brain was already thinking, "Our troops have become the primary target of the insurgency." Islamic insurgents "are united against US forces, and we have become a catalyst for violence. It's time to bring them home."

The response, more faux moral indignation from the Prez and Veep - along with a smack from Scott McClellan who threw in a line about taking positions to the left of Michael Moore. Denny Hastert even came out from under the rock where he's been picking grubs and said, "Murtha and the Democratic leaders have adopted a policy of cut and run. They would prefer that the United States surrender to the terrorists who would harm innocent Americans. To add insult to injury, this is done while the president is on foreign soil."

Uh, Denny? Heeeelllloooo! We're more worried about the soldiers who are on foreign soil risking their fine young necks. The President? Not so much.

Not to be outdone, the decorated, former Marine replied, "I like guys who got five deferments and [have] never been there and send people to war, and then don't like to hear suggestions about what needs to be done." Hmm, we wonder who he could be referring to? Someone on foreign soil perhaps? Someone with a pacemaker?

It's that last bit that Big John threw in that really frosts our mug. The administration is full to the brim with raving chickenhawks who couldn't be bothered to support the last war they thought we needed because they had pressing business elsewhere - like running oil companies into the ground. We're sure that now that the rhetoric is ratcheting up we'll hear the White House begin lecturing on not rewriting the history of how the young Bush was a fantastic war hero who missed out on combat only because his pleas to be sent directly to the front armed with nothing but a knife and tin cup were ignored by Texas Air National Guard officials who insisted he stay in Texas and have a root canal.

Cheney's defense will be, "Yeah. What he said."

We're a veteran. One who thankfully was never sent to a war, but one who would have gone if ordered, because that is what you do when you are in the military. You follow orders and you trust that the civilians in charge are not a bunch of moronic loons who wouldn't know the true dangers of war if an insurgent snuck up and smeared falafel over them. On that score, the troops are being done more of a disservice than a whole army of yellow-bellied twits who hide behind their podiums and lob epithets at decorated Marines.

We believe it's true shame that respectful difference in opinion and old fashioned civility have left the political stage. A true shame! But sometimes you must say what needs saying, and that is exactly what Big John did with his call for withdrawal. We'd like to say what we think needs to be said too. In a voice that is commensurate with the importance of the issue:

"George! Wipe that shit-eating, fratboy grin off your face and shut your AWOL, combat-dodging trap. And while you're at it, stuff a sock in that deferment-loving asshole's mouth who works for you! People are dying you dipshit. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

Nuff said?

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, November 17, 2005

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If You Can See Their Lips Moving

It turns out the old saying, "if you see their lips moving they must be lying" may be literally true in the current political climate. Each day there is a new charge, followed by a new defense, followed by new holes blown in the defense by white phosphorous rockets. Let's face it. There have been some world class liars in Washington - Republican and Democrat alike - but it takes a special talent to dig a hole so big for yourself that it even out-classes out $6000 sewage hole.

See, here's the thing about lies - they always come back to
bite you in the ass. Although little lies can sometimes land you in hot water, the general rule of thumb is that the bigger the lie, the harder the bite. This is being demonstrated on a near-daily basis as a result of some of the whoppers we've been told over the past five years.

But why do they never learn?
People of power have seen this Karmic merry-go-round twirl for centuries, yet they still saddle up and make a misguided grab for the silver ring.

Torture? Nah, never did it.

Go to war? Well, yeah we did, but we did it all for the right reasons.


So what do you do?

We wish we knew. We can keep on their asses. We can seize the moral and Constitution high ground and object with all our might. But, in the end, it will have to be the liars who must change their habits. And therein lies the problem.

Liars, like alcoholics, almost
never admit they have a problem.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, November 16, 2005

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Someone Tell That Woman to Clear Her Throat

As an Omnipotent Being, there really are few people that truly bother us. Usually we just smite them with a lightning bolt or toss them in a burning lake of fire, but some - for a reason unknown even to us - we allow to live. Cher and Meryl Streep are just two examples, now we've added another who is skating so close to the lakefront we are sorely tempted to give her the celestial shove. We speak of ex-Fox News, current MSNBC newswench, Rita Cosby.

At Fox she was apparently their "investigative" reporter. This mostly entailed getting interviews with various members of the Jackson clan or any
administration wolverine who wanted their well-cushioned ass kissed. Since she was on Fox - and we almost never watch their televised swill - we felt safe. However, when she joined MSNBC in the slot following Keith Olbermann we were worked into a dandy little froth. We are now forced to see glimpses of her from time to time when we are a little slow on the clicker trigger and that pains us greatly.

As a reporter, she leaves much to be desired. As an anchor she is positively unwatchable. She wears more makeup than a half-dozen Tammy Fayes - though she does mix it to a carefully manicured, air-brushed sheen. No small trick on a moving picture.
Her voice is worse than nails on a chalkboard. It's best described as a husky, guttural gargle carried on the sound of gravel in a cement mixer. She has frequent trouble reading the TelePrompTer and asks more inane questions than that other Fox newsgoat, Geraldo Rivera. "You just saw your 9-year old daughter slaughtered by a band of marauding midgets who splashed her blood all over your newly laundered frock...How do you feel?"

But the thing that drives us over the edge more than any other is this obsession with "breaking news". Nearly every frame of her show, from the opening to the final credits carries the tag line "Breaking News". Even the week-old leftovers on loan from the Nightly News carry it. Any day we expect to see a "live and direct report" from the beaches of Normandy as our brave boys battle ashore at Omaha beach. Rita, let us help you a little here:

news (n) - Something that's NEW you freakin' blond moron!

She also has another obsession - the
Natalie Holloway story. Yes, she was a pretty blond girl who disappeared without a trace. Yes, her parents have been treated shamefully by the members of Aruba's ruling elite. Yes, Joran and the Moped gang are probably guiltier than OJ and Jacko combined. But for the love of God woman, there hasn't been a new development in this case for months, despite your nightly teasers to the contrary. Natalie's Mom's hairdo hasn't even changed. Same old FBI profiler. Same old high-powered private investigator. Same old shills for the Aruban government. And Natalie's Mom, with the aforementioned hairdo steadfastly in place, is always there to shake her head and think, "How can I leave my little girl's fate in the hands of this walking Bloomie's cosmetic counter?"


So just to sum this up, just to show you how we feel, we only have one last thing to say:


We're done now.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, November 15, 2005

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As We See It - Version 9.0

More satirical looks at the news:

Chertoff Vows to Reshape Homeland Security

I'm Just Trying to Keep the Media On-Message

Fox News - Fair and Balanced

Oh Hell, It Was Just a Little Promise

Dammit! I Wish I Wasn't Such a "People Person"

It's a Really Sweet Little Vacation Spot on the Island of Mallorca

Whaaat? Hey, Come-on! We Wouldn't Lie Would We?

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, November 14, 2005

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An Open Letter to Anon

We received a comment to yesterday's post, An Open Letter to the Prez, from an anonymous conservative, who is apparently a tad worked up over it. We had started out to do a simple rebuttal in the comments for the article, but instead decided that we'd like to expand on his criticisms a little more at length - you know, just to clear the record.

Dear Anon,

We apparently touched a nerve in our post yesterday. We can understand why, it's painful to see the
Leader of the Free World taking so much heat. But hang in there and remember that we're omnipotent and feel your pain.

However, your comments contained several points we'd like to respectfully disagree with. We'd like to clarify those points here:

  • Our grasp of English is quite clear, thank you very much. If you read the post carefully you will notice there is not a single item cited that is factually untrue. However, there are differences in our interpretation when compared to yours. That doesn't make the statements any less true, it just means we see them in a different light. Since a democracy runs on healthy discourse and honest disagreements, we'd just like to point out we're coming out on the side of democracy here. A position which we hope our President supports, despite what appears (again, this is an opinion) to be the opposite.

  • We're not sure why you seized on it, but we don't think Bill Clinton's behavior really applies here. We've never felt that a BJ in the Oval Office merited resignation or impeachment, but we did think he should have resigned when he was caught perjuring himself. True, he was inexcusably slow accepting responsibility, but he eventually did - albeit poorly - and was impeached because he had broken the law. We believe that impeachment was a more than sufficient punishment for what he did and would hope for a similar outcome if the current administration finds itself in a similar position. The point of the posting is that the President should take responsibility for the way the war has been conducted. We believe that he has yet to do this and we will happily retract what we said if someone can show us that memo, because we apparently missed it. We don't feel a, "George shouldn't have to acknowledge mistakes if Bill didn't" defense is sufficient. Apparently in the current Oval Office the buck stops everywhere but the President's desk. By the way, John Edwards has the courage to take responsiblity. Why can't George?

  • We'd also like to point out a conservative position we agree with - get over it! Conservatives offered this advice to Democrats after both of Bush's wins and it's sound advice. We'd also like to point out that it's important for Republicans to "get over it" now too. Bill Clinton isn't in office now and hasn't been for several years. Blaming him instead of cleaning your own house is no more defensible than Democrats moaning about losing elections or Clinton being impeached.

  • You are quite correct that we deemed his policies a failure and you are also quite right to point out that it might mean we don't understand what "success" is. But the problem here is that we've yet to hear a credible definition of "success" from the man running the show. We'd posit that if he can't explain it, we're a little hard pressed to "understand" it. We're apparently not alone. You are also correct that it is easy to hand out failing grades to someone you want to fail. However, we don't want him to fail, that's the point! We want him to succeed because there is too much at stake to fail. That is precisely why we wrote the letter.

  • And finally, thanks for the pity, but we don't need it. We feel quite comfortable staking out a position and defending it, just as you apparently do. That's called healthy discourse and it is an essential element of democracy. We hope we can agree on that.

So thanks for dropping in, but next time, please take responsibility for your comments by not submitting them anonymously. Stand up and be proud of them.

We are.


The Loyal Opposition

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, November 13, 2005

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An Open Letter to the Prez

Your Supreme Highness,

We can sympathize that you're feeling a bit beat up these days - what with scandals, crumbling policies and defecting supporters - but all Presidents have their setbacks. Just look at your father. Still, we'd like to help. Here's some free advice since Karl is probably too busy talking to lawyers to talk to you these days.

You made that speech yesterday castigating those who are now
questioning your sincerity in going to war. While you may think this is the way to repair the damage, we're not so sure.

The first, and arguably biggest, error is that you're essentially advocating that healthy dissent be squashed like a june bug at a Texas barbecue. This doesn't paint a pretty picture, especially when selling the war on the merits of it protecting and spreading democracy, a key component of which is the right to dissent. Oh, and by the way,
the Supremes aren't buying your other ideas about a democracy either. You've tried this tack before and we're not seeing it garner any stellar results.

We can easily believe that many people think you're dishonest. We know this pisses you off mightily. It isn't a nice charge against anyone, but it is one of only two assumptions people can make about you and your conduct of the war. The other is that you're incompetent.

There's no doubt, even your sharpest critics admit, that you got some bum information, but you got plenty of warnings about the
quality of your intel too. You chose to ignore them. While you like to paint yourself as the unwitting dupe of the CIA, couching your decision for war solely as one driven by faulty intelligence is a little disingenuous. So if you didn't intentionally rig the intel, that means you were incompetent in how you digested it. It's a lose-lose situation.

Your conduct of the war has also been questionable. You dressed in a flight suit and declared victory early on only to find yourself having to repeatedly admit that things were still not under control. This insistence on flash over results was not a good omen for your future behavior. While we do give you props for a valiant attempt at painting the pig so that it sounded like a rousing success, everything clearly wasn't good in the Iraqi paradise. Your problem can be summed up in one word - television. It's hard to make something sound good when it looks so very, very bad.

So here's our advice:

Stop using the others who voted for going to war as a shield. They were either incompetent or dishonest too. Using them as a shield is like robbing a bank and defending yourself by saying, "well, they told me it was OK." It makes you look weak, petty and vindictive. We're assuming that's not the look you were going for.

Stop listening to the people who've been living with you in the Big White House Bubble for so long. They keep shouting, but it's impossible for you to hear with all the echos off the walls.
Fire the craven bastards who've served you poorly. The time has long passed for it and that is reflected in the public sentiment. Also, don't pardon them before the fact, that only corrupts any changes before you even begin them.

Stop listening so intently to the far right of your party and embrace what you ran on but never acted upon - being a compassionate conservative who is a uniter, not a divider. If you ever doubt the wisdom of this approach, remember two words - Dover, Pennsylvania.

And finally, read the newspaper once in awhile. We know you don't like it and think it's some crazy badge of honor, but it's not - it's just stupid. We know you don't think you need to know what other people think, but newspapers are an excellent window into the world the rest of us live in. Come. Join us. The water's fine.

Just do something instead of shifting blame to others all the time. You screwed up. Just cop to it. If you don't, people will see you only as a spoiled little boy who never had to take responsibility for anything in his life. While we suspect that impression may very well be right, it is an impression the country can ill-afford. Because frankly, the country's going to hell in a hand basket. We need a strong hand at the wheel, not one who pouts about the terrible things that have befallen his rise to power and glory and about how everyone else screwed up except him.

You're supposed to be a dynamic leader, so lead or get out of the way.

Your Loyal Opposition

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Saturday, November 12, 2005

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