Well, If We Must - Our Thanksgiving Message For You

We're not really your normal holiday celebrating deity. We don't demand our followers attend fancy services. We don't feel the need to send cards, make telephone calls, or call for peace on Earth. It probably wouldn't do any good even if we did. In fact, we only did yesterday's Thanksgiving list because everyone else does it. Although, we can still hear Mother Poobah saying, "If the other omnipotent kids decided to walk on water does that mean you have to too?

While there are a great many things we dislike about holidays in general and Thanksgiving in particular, there are other things we rather enjoy about them too. In the case of Thanksgiving, it is the quiet.

For a single day, the throngs of cars on the roads thin. The low-rumbled din of traffic and airliners and commuter trains becomes a whisper. Most people head indoors and prepare themselves for the annual calorie-fest. Afterwards, the majority have the good sense to curl up in a comfy chair, unbuckle their too-tight belts, and sigh while tryptophan-induced dreams dance in their heads. Sure there are a few asshats that have too much to drink and take potshots at one another, but it weren't for them, where would Cops get its material?

Even the Web is an unusually quiet place. The Big Blogs take the day off. The News Blogs cut back so their scriveners can enjoy the day with their families. Perhaps the only virtual places that are busy on Thanksgiving are the shopping sites. We imagine Wal-Mart made about a billion dollars in the time it took us to type this sentence for instance.

So it could be a much worse holiday. Christmas, now there's is a stinker, with it's big buildup, all the pressure, the expense, and tension. We're not Jewish, but we've been told that Hanukkah can be a snooze-fest too. We're not sure which holiday Hindus love to hate, but we're sure there must be one.

So what is our Thanksgiving message for you and the rest of the human race?
  • Enjoy the downtime, there's precious little of it.
  • Eat as much as you want, regardless of what the killjoys want you to think about starving kids in Africa - your food would be spoiled by the time it got there and they probably don't like turkey anyway.
  • If you must feel guilty, send an extra big check to the charity of your choice - in fact, do this even if you don't feel guilty because its the least you can do you great lump of turkey lard and green bean casserole.
  • Be happy, and if you can't be happy, at least don't feel unhappy.
Oh, and one more thing. Save some stuffing for us, because we love that stuff almost more than life itself - the regular kind, not the fancy chestnut kind.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, November 24, 2005

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