The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Someone Tell That Woman to Clear Her Throat

Someone Tell That Woman to Clear Her Throat

As an Omnipotent Being, there really are few people that truly bother us. Usually we just smite them with a lightning bolt or toss them in a burning lake of fire, but some - for a reason unknown even to us - we allow to live. Cher and Meryl Streep are just two examples, now we've added another who is skating so close to the lakefront we are sorely tempted to give her the celestial shove. We speak of ex-Fox News, current MSNBC newswench, Rita Cosby.

At Fox she was apparently their "investigative" reporter. This mostly entailed getting interviews with various members of the Jackson clan or any administration wolverine who wanted their well-cushioned ass kissed. Since she was on Fox - and we almost never watch their televised swill - we felt safe. However, when she joined MSNBC in the slot following Keith Olbermann we were worked into a dandy little froth. We are now forced to see glimpses of her from time to time when we are a little slow on the clicker trigger and that pains us greatly.

As a reporter, she leaves much to be desired. As an anchor she is positively unwatchable. She wears more makeup than a half-dozen Tammy Fayes - though she does mix it to a carefully manicured, air-brushed sheen. No small trick on a moving picture. Her voice is worse than nails on a chalkboard. It's best described as a husky, guttural gargle carried on the sound of gravel in a cement mixer. She has frequent trouble reading the TelePrompTer and asks more inane questions than that other Fox newsgoat, Geraldo Rivera. "You just saw your 9-year old daughter slaughtered by a band of marauding midgets who splashed her blood all over your newly laundered frock...How do you feel?"

But the thing that drives us over the edge more than any other is this obsession with "breaking news". Nearly every frame of her show, from the opening to the final credits carries the tag line "Breaking News". Even the week-old leftovers on loan from the Nightly News carry it. Any day we expect to see a "live and direct report" from the beaches of Normandy as our brave boys battle ashore at Omaha beach. Rita, let us help you a little here:

news (n) - Something that's NEW you freakin' blond moron!

She also has another obsession - the Natalie Holloway story. Yes, she was a pretty blond girl who disappeared without a trace. Yes, her parents have been treated shamefully by the members of Aruba's ruling elite. Yes, Joran and the Moped gang are probably guiltier than OJ and Jacko combined. But for the love of God woman, there hasn't been a new development in this case for months, despite your nightly teasers to the contrary. Natalie's Mom's hairdo hasn't even changed. Same old FBI profiler. Same old high-powered private investigator. Same old shills for the Aruban government. And Natalie's Mom, with the aforementioned hairdo steadfastly in place, is always there to shake her head and think, "How can I leave my little girl's fate in the hands of this walking Bloomie's cosmetic counter?"

Say this with us Rita: THERE ARE NO GODDAMN DEVELOPMENTS IN THE NATALIE HOLLOWAY STORY TONIGHT!

So just to sum this up, just to show you how we feel, we only have one last thing to say:

"WILL SOMEONE TELL THAT DAMN WOMAN TO CLEAR HER THROAT!"

We're done now.