The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: News O' The Day

News O' The Day

Our attention span, famously short, prevents us from writing a full-fledged, well-considered post today - not that that's what we usually write - but still. So here's a few short bursts to tide you over until we remember what it is we're doing:

And The Award for Best Line Goes To... - We're awarding an article in the Smirking Chimp our prize for best line we've read in a long time, "Watching the zeppelin of the neoconservative movement burst into flames, tethered to the mooring mast of George W. Bush's presidency, I experience a shiver of such undiluted schadenfreude it's like to blew my earlobes off." Top that!

Yo No Quiero George Boosh - The Shrub joined a long list of jingoistic Americans last week in what he originally hoped would be a triumphant spin around South America. Of course, he received a "welcome" that hasn't been seen since then Veep Richard Nixon's car was pelted with rocks on his trip south of the border. We guess it's hard to fly like and eagle when you have an Karlbatross tied round your neck.

Pssst! Hey! Little Girl... - Sometimes you can't lose for winning. Indicted conspirator-pornographer Scooter Libby's book, The Apprentice, is selling like hotcakes on Amazon. The book - which includes incest, a hunter who wonders if he should shag a freshly killed deer and a girl kept in a cage and raped by a bear to train her to become a prostitute - is the "must have" gift for that Republican who has everything.

In Other Tales of the Love Lorn - It seems that Scooter isn't the only one being a little er, romantic these days. Newsweek reports that the birds and the bees are still humming right along in Baghdad where, "The owner of one Baghdad gift shop says Feb. 14 has been his busiest day for the past two years; he needs three extra employees to handle the Valentine's rush." It's not all wine and roses though, "Mustafa and Adil recently visited Amman together. The high point of their trip was something they never dare to do at home, 'We walked and walked and walked,' says Mustafa. 'It was great. We walked everywhere.' However, as soon as they got back to Baghdad, they had a fight." Seems to be a lot of that going around in Iraq these days.

I Recommend Brownie for a Raise to Minimum Wage Plus Tips -You have to admit that the Bush administration is a hopeful bunch. Mired in scandal, locked in an unpopular war and fresh off the heels of charges of hiring cronies, they decided their next big agenda item should be...Replacing the Civil Service's General Pay Scale with one that links more strongly to annual performance evaluations. We can see it now, "Brownie is a fine employee who comes to work everyday looking his best. However, Brownie should work on his interpersonal skills more."

Harry Always Said, "The Buck Stops Here" -In perhaps one of the more baffling comparisons Donald Rumsfeld has ever made - and he's made many - he recently compared George "I Never Took Responsibility for Anything in My Life" Bush to Harry "The Buck Stops Here" Truman. Rummy? What part of that comparison was "staying on message"?

I Can Stop Drinking Whenever I Want -Charles Victor Thompson, the escaped Death Row inmate who was misplaced in Texas last week, was picked up over the weekend drunk in front of a Shreveport liquor store and in possession of his getaway bicycle. Chuck! Gotta a drinking problem there Bubba? Maybe you can get an endorsement deal with Schwinn.

Maybe It's an Omen -Former Peruvian strongman Alberto Fujimori was arrested this week in Chile on human rights abuse and corruption charges back home in Peru. The ever-upbeat Fujimori said from his cell, "It is my aim to temporarily remain in Chile as part of my efforts to return to Peru and keep my promise to an important part of the Peruvian people who have called on me to be a candidate in the 2006 elections.' Many observers - well, us anyway - believe he is receiving legal advice from Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Scooter Libby and Karl Rove.

Baack Off Bullworth - California strongman Arnold Schwarzenegger and his statewide slate of "reforms" has been running consistently behind in the polls. Now he has to worry about Meathead and Bullworth stalking him on the campaign trail. Some observers - that would be us again - think he also may be confused over which state he is actually Governor of.

Have a nice day.