Not the Mother of All Snits, But a Reasonable Facsimile Thereof

Inexplicably, we're a little cranky today. Nothing major, just a small snit as snits go. We're not even sure what caused it, but we feel the need to rant just a little.

Please...step away from the ranter. Omnipotent Poobah Omnimedia cannot be responsible for your safety.

  • If It Walks Like Spam and Talks Like Spam It Must Not Be Spam - Have you ever noticed, in the microscopic print at the bottom of spam-mails, that many declare themselves to not be spam? Hell, if it's that easy I do hereby declare myself King of All Spam and banish thee to the Land of Rapacious Spameaters! Rat-bastards.
  • You Say Potato, I Say Filibuster - Why is it that when Republicans act it's a well-reasoned and sensible response, but when Democrats act it's a partisan, all out attack on the values of the entire civilization? Come over here Fristy the Snowjobman, I'll slap your face for ya!
  • Two Countries, Separated By a Common Language - Why do Americans say, "He lives on Baker St.", while Britons say, "He lives in Baker St."? Or why do Americans say, "He is in the hospital" while Britons say, "He is in hospital"? And what's up with all those extra "u"s in words or substituting "s" for "z"? Zemblan Grammar, where are you when we need you?
  • There's Rich and Then There's Rich, Isn't That Rich? - Why is it that the more money a person makes, the more they crab about paying taxes and the more they covet even more money. Come off it, can you really live better on $20 million a year than you can on $10 million? Hmm, Bill? We're waiting?
  • Crapweasel of the First Degree - You don't like the judge that was handling your case because he donated money to a cause you don't agree with so you get him removed? Bring me the head of Tom Delay. Judge Wapner wouldn't put up with this crap.
  • Crapweasel of the Second Degree - Bring me the head of Dick DeGuerin (D-Looneyville, TX) for defending Tom "Ballpeen Hammer Twixt the Eyes" Delay and saying, "It's not personal; it's not about him. It's about the appearance of impropriety." Doesn't money laundering give the appearance of impropriety there Dicky?
  • It Makes Much More Sense Now - Why was Ronald Reagan hailed as the Great Communicator? He couldn't even deliver a line without a cue card or Nancy whispering in his ear. As for that Iran-Contra thing, we also think the Alzheimer's kicked in a little early if you know what we mean.
  • An Embarrassing Admission - We believe the CEO President when he says he doesn't know anything about the plot to out Valarie Plame. We think he was so out of touch after delegating everything but his morning back scrub that he probably didn't know what the hell was going on. Besides, his staff had to produce a special multimedia presentation to help him understand that "yellow cake" wasn't a prize at the Crawford County Fair.
  • Don't Drive the Damn Thing in Public Then - Why is it that some people are so afraid of getting a knick in their car that they must park lengthwise across three spaces to "protect" it. If the damn thing is that valuable, you're a moron for driving it in public. Gimme that sledge hammer and let me at 'em.
  • What's Up With That? - How come it's impossible to buy edible produce from a grocery store in California when all the damn vegetables and fruits are grown here? Bring me the head of the Chilean Strawberry Cartel.
  • We're All Going to the Laize-Fere - If the free market principle works so damn well, why do we have a shortage of flu vaccine in the face of a pandemic, airlines going belly up and sticking the populace with their pension obligations and car makers churning out 5-ton SUVs when gas costs $3 a gallon? Look it up, "capitalism (n) - an economic system based entirely upon greed and avarice".
  • Well, DUH! - Why is Bush so surprised that he can't convince the public the economy is, in his words, "humming right along"? Let us help. People's jobs are now relocated in Bangalore you moron! The Indian economy IS humming right along! Oh, and the homeless people I talked to this week are having a wee problem selling their stocks and bonds far a dented can of beans. They mumbled something about investing in Enron but we couldn't quite hear them over the sound of the grate they were sleeping on. Hey! Why don't you help them out? Oh, but you couldn't pay for that, your pockets are frickin' empty!
  • And That's NOT a Good Thing - Why do people keep whining that jailing Martha Stewart for lying about her stock deal is unfair? It was against the law, it apparently didn't teach her a lesson (as he small cheats on house arrest proved) and she can't even host a reality show better than one hosted by Donald Trump. Bring me the electronic bracelet of Martha Stewart and the toupee of Donald Trump!

OK. We fell a little better now. Thanks, we needed that.

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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, November 02, 2005

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