The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: The Perfect Storm

The Perfect Storm

Another day, another perfect storm - and we don't just mean the weather either.

The big events of the day are now coming so fast and furious that most of the news junkies I know are as happy as a crystal meth user with their own lab. It's almost enough to make us feel sorry for the Clown Prince, but not quite. We figure he was the one who stirred up most of this shitstorm so we figure he should be the one to get most of the shit thrown on him.

So let's get to work and see if we can untangle this mess - from a purely journalistic standpoint you know:

The Blind Leading the Blind - Senate Majority Leader and unindicted felon Bill Frist got bad news today as the probe into his financial holdings picked up some steam. In a shocking development, it appears as though Frist's blind trust was doing a little peeking out from under the blindfold. But Repugnantans should have no fear. He's still clinging to the hope of running for Prez next time up. With a candidate like him, the Dems can only take a page from the Dubya Memorial Playbook of Farcical Phrases and say, "Bring 'em on!"
Gee, Who Would Have Believed This - In another shocking development, the folks who brought you the Patriot Act amid promises that expanded surveillance powers wouldn't be abused have been caught with their wire taps showing. "That is a relatively uncommon occurrence. The vast majority of the potential [violations] reported have to do with administrative timelines and time frames for renewing orders," according to a PR G-Man. Rare? By the best count available - the records provided in a Freedom of Information Act filing were strangely "incomplete" - there were 287 potential violations over a three year period. We're no math whiz like the one drawing up budgets these days, but that works out to 95.6 violations per year. We think they're setting their bar for "rare" a little high.
Playing the Plame Game - As the Plamegate investigation inches toward a finale this week, the White House has already started to dig in. Talking points issued over the weekend make the whole affair sound more Lewinskyesque than a serious breech of security. The talking points may not take hold though. Even well-known crackpot George Allen (R-Shit Creek) is calling for resignations if there are indictments. With the WH already behind the power curve in so many other areas, the loss of Turd Blossom and Scooter could be a big setback. However, we're still holding out hope that the prosecutor's net snags Big Dick himself. We'd love to see him on a perp walk holding hands with Delay and Frist. Why it would just bring tears to our omnipotent eyes we tell ya.
OW! Damn! I Hate It When I Do That - With his foot still bleeding from previous self-inflicted gunshots to the boot, the Crawford Cowboy compounded his injuries today by saying he will not release documents requested by Senators so they can figure out who the hell his "Tammy Faye of the Bench" really is. Harriet may think he's the most brilliant man she ever met, but all we can say is if that's the case, she needs to get out more.
The Little Dutch Boy Just Got Tired - And finally, the oft-inundated 9th Ward in New Orleans flooded again today just as investigators were releasing details of a design flaw in the original levee's construction. We're sure that any day we'll be seeing an Army Corps of Engineer spokesperson explaining how the levees were designed to fail and operated exactly as designed. They, of course, will be dressed in a flight suit and be standing in front of a gigantic "Mission Accomplished" sign to make the announcement.

So the perfect storm moves on. However, if the past few months are any indication we won't be able to look forward to brightness and sunshine tomorrow. There's a 100% chance of greed, avarice, and supreme hubris for tomorrow afternoon with an unbroken chain of scandals continuing on into the late evening.

Have a nice day.