When the Bored Attack

Idle Hands Are the Devil's Workshop

Perhaps, because we're unemployed, we have a surplus of free time on our hands, but it got us thinking about free time and what people do with it. For starters, it might be worth looking at how some of us come up with free time to begin with.

If you're a famous reporterette who goes to jail and emerges to the full-throated outcry of how she did a shitty job, you simply "retire" - in the same way that CEOs always leave because they're ready for "new challenges". If you're like us, you're simply at the wrong place at the wrong time and get the old heave-ho. If you're a government toady who suddenly decides not to toad anymore, the Presnit fires you for not being on-message - a trait greatly valued by Shrubie and his gang.

Oddly, some people appear to work at being fired. Take, for example, the governor of our great state of California. Ahnold has spent the past several years pissing in the face of nearly everyone in the state while shitting in his own mess kit at the same time. The result? He goes a little humble before jetting off to raise some more money and do it all over again. While he appears to be on thin ice now, we're under no illusion that the voting public won't eventually forgive and reelect him. At least that keeps him away from his primary jobs of bad movie making, female ass pinching and steroid hawking. And then there's Alaska Senator Ted Stevens who seems to be in a class all by himself. He recently threw a tantrum on the floor of the Senate, whining that he'd quit if someone tried to cut funds for his $223 million bridge to nowhere. Our real question is when he'll be moving out of his office.

OK, so you've got some time on your hands, whadda ya do?

If you're a religious zealot and shameless attention whore you might opt for a truly freakish spot on a "reality" series. Nothing can compare with the sheer enjoyment of looking like a screaming, incomprehensible Jesus freak in front of millions of people, especially when you're the size of a house and have such attractive dental work.

Some people take up hobbies. In Birmingham, England a few lads with way too much time decided to build a donut tower. Or how about those wonderful folks at the Kaiser Foundation who sat around watching TV to count up all the sex they showed? We're not sure exactly how you count "sex", but apparently there is a lot of it and it is rotting our brains so fully that some people are inclined to stick chickens in their pants in response.

Then there are those who pursue something more creative, like fashion design. One New Zealand rugby team apparently thought that making livestock wear bras qualified as daring fashion design, though we personally like lambs wearing stockings - get it?...stockings?...legs?...legs of lamb?...oh never mind! Apparently the good folks at Triumph International thought along the same bra-ological lines by inventing a heated bra. However, being fans of the stiff nipple look, we can't say we agree this bra is such a good idea.

You also have to hand it to music composer Robert Pound, who wrote a 12-minute classical overture called Irrational Exuberance. How can you go wrong with an overture based on something as riveting as the outgoing Fed Chairman, Alan Greenspan. After all, Andrea Mitchell finds him tres attractive. Or how about a New Zealand man who wants to attempt a powerboat speed record with a craft fueled by fat recovered from liposuctions. This is truly a man with too much time on his hands, a condition that's apparently pretty common in New Zealand.

And finally, if you're an out-of-work indicted conspirator you could write a porn novel. Scooter, we hardly knew ye.

Tech Tags:

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, November 10, 2005

AddThis Social Bookmark Button