Unleash the Gays of War

John McCain, always famous for sticking his wingtips in his mouth, has reiterated his support for the military's surreal Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy. His half-baked moral complaints about gay marriages destroying the very fabric of America are odd in the extreme, but his views about gay soldiers don't even follow the pretzel logic he uses to form them.

The basic premise of Don't Ask is, "out of sight, out of mind". In other words, the meager brainpower he can harness somehow turns him into a balding David Copperfield who can literally make gays disappear. Yet, a seemingly endless supply of military gays keep reappearing by simply telling nitwits like John Boy they exist. It reminds me of the kids' game where Mom covers her face and says, "Mommy's gone" and then uncovers her face and says, "Mommy's back." That's great entertainment for a 9-month old, but as a bedrock principle governing the world's most powerful army, it seems a little limp-wristed.

Svengali John

Sevengali John harps incessantly about a bigger and better army, but Don't Tell is hardly an intuitive way to go about it. When in the middle of a surge and strapped for enlistees, it seems more than a little illogical to toss away existing soldiers who volunteered to serve - especially when those soldiers have critical skills (like translating Arabic) or are expensively trained (like fighter pilots).

Admiral John lauds the military every chance he gets - as he should. Yet, he has an extremely low opinion of them. He says Don't Tell, "unambiguously maintains that homosexuality within the military services presents an intolerable risk to morale, cohesion, and discipline." He seems to be saying our well-disciplined military would destroy itself because some of the boys stroke to Playgirl instead of Playboy. An army that weak isn't an army at all. It's a loose gaggle of uncontrollable, armed thugs.

Give 'Em Hell Harry

I think Harry Truman handled a similar situation perfectly. Decades before racial integration was routine in the civilian world, Harry commanded the military to desegregate. He issued his orders and the soldiers followed them. No doubt there were some stupid crackers and equally hotheaded blacks who balked, but that's nothing a reminder about the penalty for mutiny (ask Saddam, he's intimately familiar with the punishment) didn't cure. Besides, if they can't follow a simple order, what good are they as soldiers?

If you apply projections about the number of gays in the military to John and the boys in the Hanoi Hilton, you'd probably find at least one gay incarcerated in the horrid hoosegow with them. I'm not sure who the simpering girlie man was, but someone was probably thinking of a far-off homecoming with the boy next door instead of the Homecoming Queen. I'd ask McCain if it was him...

But, I'm not sure I want him to tell.

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Labels: politics, sexuality, society

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, May 06, 2007

I'm Against Abortion

I'm pro-life.

I don't think anyone could reasonably argue that abortions are good - not even the women who have them. They can be risky and sometimes women must deal with severe emotional and physical consequences. Whether you believe that life begins at conception or at any date along the gestation time line, abortions are procedures best avoided.

A Pound of Prevention...

Of course, there are many ways to prevent abortions.

There's the just say no approach. Proponents believe the less said about sex, the better. They rely on a numbing repetition of the "no" mantra, having kids sign pureness pledges, and not mentioning the delicate issue in public or private. If all else fails, cold showers will keep potential fornicators from being seduced by their filthy genetic urges. There's no way these kids will blow their wads in the den while watching Pat Robertson on television.

Proponents of the just say yes approach are the flip side of the just say no crowd. For them, sex is all about procreation. Their counseling centers tell women they can have their cake and eat it too. Have the kid, but place it for adoption. Good advice, unless you happen to be a crack-addicted minority kid or one of the lucky few who live in impoverished Third World countries frequently visited by Madonna or Angelina Jolie.

Some people support the rhythm method. They recognize the magnetic draw of human sexuality and admit just saying no to something that feels so good might not work. They reluctantly allow giving into the urge, but limit themselves to non-impregnating options like mutual masturbation, "pulling out" before the seed spills, or resorting to the quaint Monica Lewinsky method.

A small number frame abortion as a states' rights issue. They ask, "Who does the US Supreme Court think it is to tell (insert Red State name here) what to do?" They'd rather trust a state supreme court to make the decisions because state courts obviously possess critical information that's inaccessible and completely unintelligible to Justice Roberts, et al.

Not Everyone is an Angel

But not everyone is a pro-life angel.

Deadly abortionists believe solid sex education works best. They think people should know about their bodies and proactively prevent "mistakes" that sometimes occur during a little heavy breathing. They shockingly believe condoms help prevent STDs. Heck, some even condone free condoms for kids who fudge their pureness pledges with window-steaming action in the back of Mom's mini van.

Others believe in the power of medication. These folks see birth control pills as the panacea. Perhaps not as safe as condoms, but partial protection is better than no protection at all. Right? Worst of all, these drug pushers believe the morning after pill is an abomination if ever there was one. That's why so many pharmacists refuse to fill valid prescriptions for them.

Yet another group of morally-challenged baby-killers thinks the life of the mother has some bearing on the situation. They actually believe that taking a life that already exists is better than stopping a potential life that doesn't. Many believe this group supports growing babies and killing them for their stem cells.

Pro-Choice and Pro-Life

I'm against abortion, but I'm also for sex education, open communication, abstinence, birth control, adoption, federal standards, stem cell research, and considering the life of the mother (and the baby's if it goes to full term). In fact, I'm for anything that prevents an abortion, so long as it works.

To me, life is a baby with loving parents, enough financial security for shelter and food, safety from physical and emotional abuse, and a healthy Mom and baby at the end of the process. An existence absent any of these things is no life at all and sometimes an abortion is the only way to guarantee a life worth living.

So, I'm pro-life and pro-choice because there is no other sensible way to be.

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Labels: politics, sexuality, society

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, April 19, 2007

Marriage Market Plummets, Gays Fingered

Our national debate over gay marriage rages on. I'm a live and let give kinda guy, so my position is that I don't see what all the hubbub is about. I think it's pretty clear why the gay community wants it. They view themselves as full citizens of this country and believe they should have the same rights and responsibilities everyone else. They aren't asking people to like them, they're just asking they be allowed to do what heterosexuals do every day.

I've listened to the counter-arguments. I fully accept that many people find homosexuality wrong and don't want to associate with gays. That's their right, although they're probably missing out on some bitchin' home decorating tips and mouthwatering umbrella drinks. Like I said, I'm a live and let live kinda guy...who just happens to love umbrella drinks.

Bibles Under Lesbian Noses

As far as I know, we aren't a theocracy yet, so at least - in theory - shaking a Bible under a lesbian's nose and screaming repent ye sinner doesn't seem very rational. Our society is supposed to be built on the idea of equality and fairness and part of that compact includes rationally determining which parts of a given situation are unfair.

Perhaps I missed it amongst all the Anna Nicole Smith coverage, but I don't believe I've heard a rational discussion of how making gay marriage legal deprives anyone of their rights. The oft-repeated chestnut goes something like, "gay marriage devalues heterosexual marriage".

I guess my question is, "how much is marriage per pound"? If someone buys a pound and you have no part in the transaction, how does your pound lose value? Is your marriage account somehow overdrawn by this transaction? Does someone come and take your pound of marriage away and give it to someone else? If one of your neighbors divorces several times (i.e., they bought waaaay more pounds of marriage than they could use), should you ban them from commodity trading on the marriage market?

Lesbian Cat on Transsexual Dog Marriage

Rick Santorum's answer seems a bit far-fetched - unless Rick really is in the closet and lusting after Barney Bush. He's apparently a closeted PETA member because he suggested that if we allow gays to marry, the floodgates will open to donkey on man marriage or lesbian cat on transsexual dog marriage. Those pets need to be protected I'm sure and I love the doggies as much as the next guy, but I don't recall a picket line of pooches camped out at the state house howling for marriage rights.

I also don't recall campaigns to ban marriage for sinful, crackhead, reformed gay preachers named Ted Haggard. There aren't any bans against Jew/gentile, democrat/republican, or conservative/neocon marriage (although I might be persuaded to support that last one).

What is it about gay marriage that's more egregious than any other paring of two human beings? I mean, I don't like republicans marrying republicans. All that dirty, pent up lust results in a plethora of mini-republicans and that can surely lead to no good. But, I'm not yelping for a constitutional amendment to ban it. The thought of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh en flagrante delicto gives me the heebie-jeebies, but I defend their right to form an unholy union - I just need a long shower and a stiff drink before I can take that on.

Some argue that current law doesn't provide for it so we must automatically reject it. Well, there are stupid and offensive asshats in society too, but I'm not agitating to outlaw them - though, again, I'm open to discussions.

Asshats for Dummies

Really, I don't get this one. Perhaps one of my conservative brethren could bring me the light. Raise me up from the depths of sin. Make me a true believer that somehow gay marriage is so hurtful to me that I'd join their good fight and try to smite the Godless bastards. Hallelujah!

At this point I should say, "so help me God", but I don't believe in him either and swearing on my Right Wing Asshats for Dummies book somehow devalues swearing on books altogether.

I'm just really moral that way.

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Labels: humor, politics, religion, sexuality

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, March 08, 2007