The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Marriage Market Plummets, Gays Fingered

Marriage Market Plummets, Gays Fingered

Our national debate over gay marriage rages on. I'm a live and let give kinda guy, so my position is that I don't see what all the hubbub is about. I think it's pretty clear why the gay community wants it. They view themselves as full citizens of this country and believe they should have the same rights and responsibilities everyone else. They aren't asking people to like them, they're just asking they be allowed to do what heterosexuals do every day.

I've listened to the counter-arguments. I fully accept that many people find homosexuality wrong and don't want to associate with gays. That's their right, although they're probably missing out on some bitchin' home decorating tips and mouthwatering umbrella drinks. Like I said, I'm a live and let live kinda guy...who just happens to love umbrella drinks.

Bibles Under Lesbian Noses

As far as I know, we aren't a theocracy yet, so at least - in theory - shaking a Bible under a lesbian's nose and screaming repent ye sinner doesn't seem very rational. Our society is supposed to be built on the idea of equality and fairness and part of that compact includes rationally determining which parts of a given situation are unfair.

Perhaps I missed it amongst all the Anna Nicole Smith coverage, but I don't believe I've heard a rational discussion of how making gay marriage legal deprives anyone of their rights. The oft-repeated chestnut goes something like, "gay marriage devalues heterosexual marriage".

I guess my question is, "how much is marriage per pound"? If someone buys a pound and you have no part in the transaction, how does your pound lose value? Is your marriage account somehow overdrawn by this transaction? Does someone come and take your pound of marriage away and give it to someone else? If one of your neighbors divorces several times (i.e., they bought waaaay more pounds of marriage than they could use), should you ban them from commodity trading on the marriage market?

Lesbian Cat on Transsexual Dog Marriage

Rick Santorum's answer seems a bit far-fetched - unless Rick really is in the closet and lusting after Barney Bush. He's apparently a closeted PETA member because he suggested that if we allow gays to marry, the floodgates will open to donkey on man marriage or lesbian cat on transsexual dog marriage. Those pets need to be protected I'm sure and I love the doggies as much as the next guy, but I don't recall a picket line of pooches camped out at the state house howling for marriage rights.

I also don't recall campaigns to ban marriage for sinful, crackhead, reformed gay preachers named Ted Haggard. There aren't any bans against Jew/gentile, democrat/republican, or conservative/neocon marriage (although I might be persuaded to support that last one).

What is it about gay marriage that's more egregious than any other paring of two human beings? I mean, I don't like republicans marrying republicans. All that dirty, pent up lust results in a plethora of mini-republicans and that can surely lead to no good. But, I'm not yelping for a constitutional amendment to ban it. The thought of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh en flagrante delicto gives me the heebie-jeebies, but I defend their right to form an unholy union - I just need a long shower and a stiff drink before I can take that on.

Some argue that current law doesn't provide for it so we must automatically reject it. Well, there are stupid and offensive asshats in society too, but I'm not agitating to outlaw them - though, again, I'm open to discussions.

Asshats for Dummies

Really, I don't get this one. Perhaps one of my conservative brethren could bring me the light. Raise me up from the depths of sin. Make me a true believer that somehow gay marriage is so hurtful to me that I'd join their good fight and try to smite the Godless bastards. Hallelujah!

At this point I should say, "so help me God", but I don't believe in him either and swearing on my Right Wing Asshats for Dummies book somehow devalues swearing on books altogether.

I'm just really moral that way.