The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Have No Fear, the Decider's Here!

Have No Fear, the Decider's Here!

Have no fear, the Decider's Here!

Attorney Lieutenant Gonzo McJusticepants is on thin ice these days as a bipartisan rabble screeches for his head like Frenchmen outside the Bastille. When asked if he would resign, Gonzo deferred the decision to the Decider to decide - and we all know what the Decider always decides - Gonzo will be imitating Jacob Marley's ghost by this time next week.

While it isn't clear he's specifically broken any laws, one certainly could make the point that he's one of the duller tools in a shed full of broken shovels. After all, this is a man who took suggestions from that immanently qualified jurist and would-be Supreme, Harriett Meyers.

So far, Gonzo's defense is of the, "I can't be expected to know everything that happens" type - not withstanding an email blizzard swirling the air like a mid-winter day in Minnesota. On the plus side, this is a better defense than Scooter's, "I forgot" explanation. Of course Gonzo takes "full responsibility" for what happened, which so far seems to be limited to saying "Sorry about that, I swear I'll never do it again...cross my heart, hope to die, I'll even spit in my staff's glaucomic eye."

To be fair, it's not unusual for Presidents to replace US attorneys, but they usually do it at the beginning of a term in wholesale, less dubious fashion. However, many people on both ends of the political spectrum say this time it's different.

First, these Attorneys-in-Dutch were cherry-picked (Damn those guys love cherries!) and replaced based on "poor performance", a stance not justified by their heretofore stellar performance appraisals and further undermined by internal communications that specifically dealt with political considerations.

Then, there was the legal beagle consigned to the doghouse to make way for a Karl Rove protege. Props to Karl for fessing up - even if it was an arrogant reason that smacked of cronyism at its worst - but I fear the Earth may reverse rotation from the admission that Karl (partially) did the right thing for once.

Leaks have flowed through the shredded screen door at the White House and we learned that a couple of legislators had called to check on the "progress" of pending litigation. Of course, this wasn't an attempt to influence the investigations - merely a coincidence that at least two of the excommunicated prosecutors happened to be working on cases embarrassing to Republicans.

And in a final irony, the loudest defense of the uniformly Republican lawyers comes from Democrats. As they say, politics makes strange bedfellows - and they don't come any stranger than Gonzo dressed in a barrister's wig and carrying a constitutional cat-o-nine tails.

So it's time for the Decider to throw on his magic cape and leap into action. He'll head over to the AG's office faster than a speeding bullet, hand Gonzo an unregistered revolver, and leave the room for a few moments so Gonzo can pray to James Dobson and John Ashcroft and do the "right thing". After the bang, the Decider will tenderly carry off the body for a Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony, and appoint Jenna and Not-Jenna as the new co-AGs.

Thanks, Mr. Decider, for standing up for truth, justice, and the American way - or your interpretation of it anyway.