The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Creationism v. Evolution, You're Both Right

Creationism v. Evolution, You're Both Right

Hi kids, this is God again.

I know some of you expect me to speak through priests or Pat Robertson, but I don't trust those guys. They're always cooking up some kookie shit to make a buck. I know some of you expect me to communicate a little more formally - a little more fire and brimstonish, if you will - than via blogging. But, I try to keep up with the new technology (I even have an iPod loaded with Gregorian chants and gangsta rap...illegal downloads if you must know, but that's between you and me) and I like the personal touch of blogging.

With all this bickering over Creationism and Darwinism I thought it might be useful for me to explain a few things - after all, I am the one who got the ball rolling.

I hate to break it to you Darwinists out there, but the earth really is 10,000 years old - 10,227 years old for those craving exactness. I made it one day when I was bored and needed a hobby. And boy, it's been a real hoot over the years - except for that war thing. That one got a little out of hand. My bad. But, the cat's out of the bag now, so I suppose I'll just let it run it's course.

However, all you fish people (what's up with that? I HATE fish!) don't break out the champagne quite yet. You guessed right about the age thing, but see, I played a little trick on you. That Adam dude? Pure bunk. There was no Garden of Eden, only a small flat in the Castro and the first guy was named Chuck, Chuck Darwin.

Chuck was a pretty smart fella. He ate an apple - the tasty kind, plucked from a tree and not given to him by a snake - I can't BELIEVE you fell for that, snakes don't even have thumbs - and was immediately able to figure out that whole evolution thing. He got it right the first time. You should see this dude rip up a Rubik's Cube^TM or do a little sudoku. Ab-so-frickin' brilliant.

Some of you might ask, "what about those dinosaur bones, aren't they more than 10,000 years old?" That's true enough, but I borrowed the bones from a planet called Rigel 9 and salted a couple of places as a red herring to throw Chuck off the scent. Damn guy figured it out though, so we had a talk and he agreed to keep it a secret and make up a plausible cover story.

Oh, and what about Eve? Well frankly, there was no Eve. Chuck was gay and married to some trash-talking dude by the name of Haggard. Not one of Chuck's best moves. He was brilliant about the sciences, but the poor bastard never could find the right guy. You know what they say about looking for love in all the wrong places. No, women came a little later. The first one was named Marjorie. She was a cute little chippy, but kind of an airhead. I improved the models later. I never could teach them to read a map, but at least they stop and ask directions, so I guess it isn't so bad.

So there you have it. You're both right. If you want to know more, you can contact Ann Landers and ask for my pamphlet, "The Earth and You - An Owner's Guide". Just include a stamped, self addressed envelope and $3.95. You'll receive your pamphlet within seven days and if you act now, I'll throw in a set of cheap knives and spray on hair (that Ron Popeil is one crazy dude too).

OK, now will all of you just hug and make up (and Dobson, let go off that chick's ass!)? Having you guys bicker all the time is a real buzz kill. If you keep it up, you'll ruin a perfectly good hobby. And, I'm not a happy camper when I don't get my way.

Ecumenically Yours,
God