Cheney Testifies, Found in Contempt


The prosecution in the I. Lewis Libby case called Vice President Dick Cheney to the stand today to testify about comments attributed to him during the federal investigation of leaks involving CIA agent Valerie Plame. OP News Service obtained this exclusive transcript from an unnamed "live blogger" covering the trial in real time.

Judge: Clerk, please swear the Vice President in.

Clerk: Will you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Cheney: Go [explicative] yourself.

Judge: Mr. Vice President, please answer the question.

Cheney: It is NOT a legitimate question. You and Wolf Blitzer are impertinate [explicative].

Judge: Sir, be that as it may, I must insist you answer the question or I will find you in contempt.

Cheney: Contempt? That's rich! I'm the [explicative] President, um Vice President, of the United [explicative] States of America. I shoot people in the [explicative] face before breaking for cocktails at the club. And those are just the people I'm found of. You should see what I do to the enemies of America!

Judge: Sir, please!

Cheney: Yeah! OK, I'll tell my version of the truth.

Judge: Recorder, let the record show that as a yes.

Fitzgerald: Mr. Vice President, the defense charges that you were at the center of a campaign to damage the career of Ms. Plame by divulging her identity to the news media.

Cheney: She works for the CIA?! The HELL you say. I didn't know that. When did she go to work for them?

Fitzgerald: Sir, it's been common knowledge for months and for some time before the alleged outing occurred.

Cheney: Well, nobody told me. I must have been in my undisclosed location at the time. You can't expect me to know everything. Besides, Scooter told me about her.

Fitzgerald: Which is it sir, you didn't know or Mr. Libby told you her identity?

Cheney: Don't put words in my [explicative] mouth! I said that Judy Blume bitch told me. Hell of a skirt. Fine piece of Feminazi meat. Don't tell Lynne I said that though. She'll have my balls on a [explicative] platter.

Fitzgerald: Do you mean Judy Miller? Of the New York Times?

Cheney: Might have been. It was either her or Geraldo Rivera. I can never tell them apart.

Fitzgerald: Is it true that in trying to cover up the allegations you were trying to divert attention from the President and senior members of his staff? Perhaps Karl Rove?

Cheney: Not the President. He's a world class moron. If I let him off his leash things just go all to [explicative] hell. Dumbest [explicative] I ever knew. Too stupid to come in out of the rain. I always need a stooge around to take the fall. That dumb [explicative] is my get out of jail free card. Besdies, I'm the brains behind the idiot. Me! I'm in charge!

Fitzgerald: And what about Mr. Rove? Were you trying to hide any involvement of his?

Cheney: Turdblossom? Good God man, he's a bigger idiot than that addlebrained crackhead he works for. Karl couldn't [explicative] without me coming to wipe his [explicative].

Fitzgerald: Mr. Libby has alleged that you pointed the finger of blame at him in order to save Mr. Rove.

Cheney: Go [explicative] yourself!

Judge: Mr. Cheney, please answer the question.

Cheney: I said go [explicative] yourself you black-robed son of a [explicative]. I don't have to answer to you! I don't have to [explicative] listen to anybody. I am [explicative] in charge!

Judge: Sir, may I remind you that you are under oath and are required to answer this question?

Cheney: I didn't say anything about those Enron boys and myself getting together. Why do I have to answer to you?

Judge: Because it is the law sir. It is the law!

Cheney: Go [explicative] your law! It says right in the Constitution that the Vice President is exempt from any and all laws that he finds objectionable.

Judge: Sir, it does not say that! I order you to answer the question!

Cheney: Well, it ought to say it. I pay big money to that Mexican fellow over at Justice to interpret the laws any way I [explicative] well see fit.

Judge: Sir, you give me no other recourse than to declare you in contempt. I hereby order you to be incarcerated in a Federal Penitentiary until such time as you decide to answer the questions put to you and show respect for this court!

Cheney: Go [explicative] yourself! Where's my shotgun?!

Judge: Bailiff! Take him away!

Cheney: OK, OK, but I'm not going to any Federal Pen. I demand to be treated commensurate with my position. I will incarcerate myself in my official residence at the US Naval Observatory. I also insist you provide me with cocktails at 10, 2, and 4 and permit me to throw a dinner for my former colleagues at Halliburton. They say they're being picked on and I have to figure out whose head is going to roll over that. I'm the [explicative] Vice President of the United States and you [explicative] with me at your peril. Oh yeah, I want plenty of ammunition for hunting deer on the grounds and shooting at Cindy Sheehan at the fence. [explicative] woman is ALWAYS butting in where she doesn't belong!

Judge: Bailiff, take the Vice President away!

Cheney: Hey! What kind of chicken [explicative] is this? You're supporting the terrorists! You're in bed with Osama bin Hussein! Are you crazy man? I'm the only one standing between those terrorists and the total destruction of our way of [explicative] life! No [explicative] one can keep this country safe except me! Get your filthy islamofacist hand off me! This will not stand. Unhand me or the full weight and wrath of the House of Saud will be unleashed upon you.

(Voice of Vice President fades away.)

Fitzgerald: Your honor, I don't know what to say.

Judge: Wrest your case now Mr. Fitzgerald, before it's too late. I don't think anything more can be said. Given his testimony, we should be able to wrap things up by lunch tomorrow. Mr. Libby? Do you concur?

Libby: Yes sir. See what I had to put up with from that guy? Hang me out to dry? Phffft! I'm the one in charge! I'm the brains of the outfit! I make all the decisions! I'm King of the World!

Judge: Bailiff. Please take Mr. Libby away as well.

George Bush (softly, from rear of courtroom: Ummm, who do I talk to about bail fer them fellers? I got a few corners to turn and a democratracy to create and I need some help. It's hard work being the Decider.

Judge: Good Lord. Bailiff?

Bailiff: Yes sir, I know what to do. Mr. President would you come this way?

Bush: Do they have cookies back there, or maybe some tacos? I like tacos.

Bailiff: Yes sir. This way sir...


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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Friday, February 09, 2007

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