News Wars - Attack of the Screaming Heads

SPLAT! Olbermann hits Bill O. with a mudball. BAM! Bill O. fights back. CRACK! Olbermann goes toe-to-toe with Fox. OOF! Fox rags on MSNBC. HEEWACK! MSNBC hurls back. BOOM! Fox shoots at CNN. BANG! Cheney shoots an old man in the face. (Wait, that last one is another topic entirely.) Forget about the Civil War in Iraq, we've got a perfectly good one in this country. There's no need to surge halfway around the world to get caught between Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds - we've got Fox, MSNBC, and CNN. This danse macabre's convenient, free, and as far as I can tell, non-lethal so far.

These "legitimate" news agencies have taken a page from vituperrious politicians and are deep into a slingfest of mud that's every bit as heinous as anything the Swift Boat Veterans could cook up. It must be a proud day for the foremost practitioners of the slimeball arts (Hammer? Newt? Are you listening?). For once, the journos are firing at each other rather than focusing on the politicos. There's nothing for the varsity slimers to do, but sit back and enjoy the junior varsity game.

GO SLINGBLADES!

At first it was funny. Bill O'Lunatic is a walking punchline. Even though he richly deserves it, there's really no sport in shooting this particular crapfish in a barrel. Bill just sets them up and waits for someone to knock them down. Keith O. was perfectly willing to do that and as Bill O.'s responses became even more unhinged, Keith went for the kill with obvious smirking delight.

Getting a rise of Crazy Bill is pretty easy, but when it happens, he often runs to Fox execs to whine about the mistreatment he suffers for his laser-like, surgically-precise interviewing skills. Just ask Al Franken and your local loofah distributor.

The game ceased being fun when the networks themselves began battering each other with true, but odious, statements of the obvious.

Fox News, fair and unbalanced? No kidding.

Nobody watches MSNBC! Really, who woulda thunk it?

Anderson Cooper, an albino pretty boy with no chops? Well, I can't argue there.

Personally, I hear enough of screaming heads on every channel. If this goes any further, Bravo will be nuking A&E. It's stupid and petty and all of these supposedly real-life, grown-up "professionals" should know better. I just want to scream..."STOP IT YOU SANCTIMONIOUS CRAPWEASELS! I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!" It's the same thing I yell at politicians, except I cleaned up the language a bit.

In fact, I'm so fed up with this media madness that I'm willing to go where Condi fears to tread and do a little shuttle diplomacy. I challenge the honchos of all these networks to meet me in a neutral place - perhaps Jamaica - with excellent meeting facilities and a mild climate. There, in the spirit of multipartisanship, we can negotiate a civilized end to this mud slinging over pina colladas. True, it's probably harder than talking to Iran and Korea about nuclear non-proliferation, but I'm game.

If I can pull it off, perhaps there's a place for me on Team Bush. They could kick Condi the Augmentor to the curb and anoint me. All I need is a nice office, a stack of blank signing statements, and Alberto Gonzales to fetch my lunch in between swipes at the Constitution. It's cheap, they get a person with really experience, and if I failed, it wouldn't be any worse than it already is. Hell, I might even be willing to step in for the Dark Prince on weekends as long as they'd let me hunt deer on the grounds of the Naval Observatory.

I have to go now. I'm going to brush up my resume and post it on Monster.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, February 01, 2007