Holy Shoe Phones, The Chief and Max Are at It Again!

As often happens with Lord Bush League and His Cabal of Ninnies, two perfectly juxtaposed events this week illustrate his well-known, tenuous grasp of common sense.

First, a laptop containing personal data for all veterans discharged since the 70s disappeared from a VA analyst's home. Apparently, this Data Daredevil was able to sweep stealthily through the Ft. Knox-like privacy protections that El Jefe promises are working so well and nonchalantly carry the machine home for a little porn surfing.

Pooblisher's Note: Thanks a lot there Daredevil. I love it when someone honors my military service by losing my Social Security number. Feel free to use it at Big Tit World anytime you want. Just consider it my little thanks for a job well-done. OK?

Of course, the theft took several weeks to crawl up the VA's FEMA-like chain of command before reaching the top dogs.

"Gee. Think we oughta tell anybody about this? I think somebody's going to be awful mad and I don't want get yelled at," they must have thought. So, like true disciples of the Decider-in-Chief, they took several more days to "decide" their way through this complicated scenario before deciding, "Um, I guess, but don't yell at me. It's a little thing, really."

This event is a classic example of what happens when your data security plan is as tight as leaving stacks of $100 bills on a Louisiana Congressman's desk. The stuff changes into cashsicles in the freezer at home.

Wow, who knew?

The second event was news that Lancelot Link, Secret Presidential Chimp, signed yet another Executive Order for "Maxwell Smart" Negroponte. Max can now waive all those pesky accounting and privacy laws if The Chief decides he wants data from a company like AT&T or Verizon. Strangely, this Executive Order coincided with the recent leak about the mega database of call data. But, that's obviously another in a long line of miraculous coincidences. Perhaps the Pope could nominate the Bushmaster for sainthood, what with all the "miracles" he can perform.

So here's the juxtaposition: Lancelot wants us to believe that he's only gathering critical data for use against "terrists" while in the same breath saying, "Ah'm just uh collectin' that there data in case we need's it. I wouldn't dare dream uh usin' any of it." Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

He then continues, "We's uh keepin' them datas as secret as Big Dick's undisclosurated, super secret, cross my heart an' hope ta' die, location. There's no way one them lil' datas can es-cape out to tha Internets. Our privacy system's tight as a coon dog's asshole I tell ya."

Then - just to make us comfortable and because protecting data is such "hard work" - the Decider-in-Chief outsources all the deciding about such things to Baldo Negroponte. There my friends is one more open screen door in his data privacy policy. If we don't trust the top idiot to stay in control about all our private data, I don't think asking us to trust subordinate morons will fly. But, I'll give the Chief the benefit of the doubt. Besides, this must be a mistake caused when George and John sat down to talk data privacy inside their Maxwell Smart autograph-model Cone of Silence. That has to be it, doesn't it?

So why do I feel like Agent 99?

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, May 25, 2006