The DaVinci Code: Albino Uprising

As you can see by the sidebar, I'm a member of the Anti-PC League. Most of those who belong to this group are hardcore conservatives and I'd say that on most issues, we disagree - a lot. But, in between the Stop the ACLU banners, Ann Coulter love fests, and calls for eviscerating Moonbats, we have some common ground - we believe we've become so politically correct we can no longer hold a rational conversation for fear of offending someone.

I'm sure many League members think this is only a problem with liberals, but I'd have to disagree. One need look no farther than the recent "controversy" over killing Christmas for Christians. Other than some conservative pundits, I didn't hear anyone threatening any such thing. It was a bogus, politically correct complaint engineered to make everyone feel sorry for those poor, misunderstood, and oppressed Christians. Nobody wants to take Christmas away from anyone except the people who needed something to feel oppressed over.

That isn't to say there aren't some egregious examples of offense. The Constitution protects free speech, but it doesn't encourage stupid speech. It isn't OK to say racist, sexist, or any other "ist" things at will - but it's not illegal either. In other words, I think most rational people are on the anti n-word bandwagon, but there's still a division over whether calling someone black insults them or simply provides another way to identify them in a vast sea of races.

These issues aren't new. Society debates whether naming sports teams after Indians - or Native Americans, First Nations peoples, or aborigines, if you prefer - is an insult or a compliment. For some, it's insulting to name a team the Fightin' Braves and have a cute cartoonish mascot who does tomahawk chops. However, it's OK to name them the Marauding Vikings and have a cute mascot who wears a helmet from a bad opera and does broadsword swipes.

Car crash victims are currently all in a kafuffle about new Volkswagen ads. The ads show people in a car that's suddenly struck by another vehicle. We see an actual air-bag deployment, breaking glass, and grinding metal. It's a relatively realistic scene, but there's no blood or gore. Some might make the point that such demonstrations are useful and just remind people that sturdy seatbelts and airbags are lifesavers. The fact they just happen to be Volkswagen-supplied seatbelts and airbags is just a happy coincidence that helps Vee-Dubya sell cars.

Instead, accident victims have called for the removal of the TV spots. The realistic scenes apparently remind them of their own accidents and repeat the trauma each time they see the ads. Now I'm not completely unsympathetic to these victims. That sort of thing is traumatic, but probably less so than seeing a fiery crash on the freeway up close and personal. I doubt if many victims have stopped driving or riding in cars. How about continuing to fly? Airplanes crash don't they? What about all the movies and television shows that feature exploding propane trucks and cars squashed like bugs? I'd guess most of the victims haven't stopped going to the movies, otherwise Arnold Schwarzenegger would just be an aging dude with sagging muscles.

However, my current peeve is the DaVinci Code. Dan Brown and Tom Hanks have apparently managed to slander and defame the entire Catholic religion, several major sects within it, Leonardo lovers, and Biblical scholars using a FICTIONAL book and movie. In examining these victims' claims, I can only conclude that these people think Spiderman movies are fact-based biographies. I can't wait to get me a set of those bitchin' web shooter things and swing along with Kirsten Dunst clinging to my well-muscled body.

But wait! There's more!

Albinos are now calling for a DaVinci code boycott too. They say albinos are always the bad guys in books and movies and it's damned unfair. Based on the inexhaustible supply of albino-featuring movies - all three or them - I guess I'd have to agree. It's true that I haven’t seen that many albino good guys - although I have always wondered why Johnny Winter never got more of those roles - but, I haven’t seen that many albinos period. This doesn't mean it's OK to ridicule albinos, I'm sure they're good folks - but let's look at this argument another way.

Let's say the bad guy happens to be a white male. Albino Logic (now that's a movie that could use Johnny Winter in a starring role) posits that all white males would be mistaken as bad guys in real life. However, I can't think of anyone seriously arguing that white males are an oppressed group, despite the fact that nearly every non-white, non-male group feels completely justified in regularly ridiculing them.

But then, maybe the albinos have a point. Maybe I AM quite offended that all the albinos, Opus Dei flagellants, and BDSM nuns haven't been rushing to my oppressed side to help beat back those scourges of civilization - non-white non-males. In fact, I think white males need a mascot. Maybe a cartoonish fella dressed in a 3-piece suit and driving a Buick. We need a slogan too. How about the Fightin' Y Chromosomes or the Battlin' Insurance Underwriters?

It does have a certain ring to it, doesn't it?

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, May 16, 2006