The Way of the Poobah

Just Another Day at the Omnipotent Poobah Intergalactic Fortune Cookie Company

One of the primary duties of an omnipotent being is dispensing wisdom to the masses. Jesus has that Bible thing, but I see that as a pretty inefficient communication medium. You have to wade through hundreds of pages about fishes, loaves, money changers, and icky crowns of thorns to pick out the real gems hidden deep in its biblical bowels. Sure, the Ten Commandments make a pretty good executive summary, but they wrap things in so much metaphor that people can - and do - interpret the verses in radically different ways. Still, I'd love to own the copyright on that sucker. I could buy that little house in the South of France I've been eyeing, but to get it I'd be caught up in court for centuries.

Instead, here are some of my wisest pearls:
  • It's much easier to damage than to improve.
  • You can try all the diet pills and powders as you want, but you'll only lose weight by eating less and exercising more.
  • If I meant you to be vegetarian, I wouldn't have given you omnivorous teeth.
  • Never eat to live. Instead, eat to enjoy.
  • Never let the dog get too close to your ice cream cone.
  • Always plan for the worst. It things turn out as planned it's merely what you expected. If it turns out better, it's gravy.
  • Never use a speakerphone in a cubicle. If someone does, smite them.
  • Never pick up a baby that already smells like poop.
  • Always concentrate more on the journey than on the destination.
  • When you get to the destination, party like hell.
  • Sometimes things just are what they are, even if that sucks for you.
  • Don't think too much. It only makes your head hurt and gets you into trouble.
  • Never jump at an opportunity. Sometimes they sidestep and you fall off a cliff.
  • Never vote for a person who repeatedly demonstrates they have all the perception of your average tree stump.
  • Friends don't let friends do stupid things. They provide formal training to help them do stupid things.
  • Remember that sometimes you aren't smart enough to ask a question.
  • No matter how many times a person explains something, the most critical fact will always be missing.
  • If a person asks you a question, it's the sincerest form of flattery.
  • The chance of error is exponential to the number of people participating in the enterprise.
  • It's more important to know where to look for answers than to know the answers.
  • Never ask if you can. Always ask if you should.
  • Those who can should teach. Those who do should find themselves a teacher.
  • The low fuel light is never an idle warning.
  • Gods and Generals have huge egos. Never let them get in the way of your own.
  • Liberals want to build a new world. Conservatives want to roll back the clock. Somewhere in between is the logical path.
  • The horse may be out of the barn, but that's no excuse for not trying to herd him back in.
  • When faced with a mugger, pissing yourself is the surest form of safety.
  • Always follow the moderately lazy. They invariably find the shortest route between two points.
  • It's human nature to complain. The sooner you accept this, the faster you can get on with your own complaints.
  • Don't look before you leap, it'll only scare you.
  • Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing its idiot. Somewhere in Washington an idiot is looking for brush to clear.
  • Compromises, by their nature, never completely satisfy anyone except the arbitrator.
  • Never use a computer to do something a pencil can do.
  • The writer who relies on spell check to find all errors is a morrone.
  • In war, combat is the easy part. In peace, keeping it is the hard part.
  • The world would be a better place if heads of state donned boxing gloves to settle arguments rather than raising armies to do so.
  • If it smells to bad for a dog to eat, it probably isn't safe.
  • Always beware of cracker barrel philosophers and televangelists, they're God's original punishment for the stupid.
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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, May 23, 2006

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