God's on the Divine Cellphone and He's Pissed

Ever since Noah floated his boat, evangelists have used natural disasters as markers for the end of days. Every cat or dog that rains down, every Jell-O-jiggled plot of ground, every Tasmanian Devilish tornado is cited as sure 'nuff proof that God is pissed and ready to begin the smiting. You'd think that the world continuing to exist would really annoy the doomsayers, but it never seems to deter them.

As proof, we offer up Pat Robertson's latest predictions, personally delivered to him by his own, personal and righteous God. (By the way, why does the Lord always choose the biggest asshats on the block to communicate through? You'd think he could create an eloquent, well-respected, non-polyester clad spokesperson to brush up His image a little. Maybe He needs a PR angel.)

In what's become an almost annual occurrence, Pat found his divine cell phone ringing and God was on the line. "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," he explained on his perpetual telethon, the 700 Club. "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest," he added.

That Pat is one damn fine prognosticator, a real Nostradumbass.

The coasts of America will be lashed by storms. Who knew?! Pat, the coasts of every other nation on Earth will be "lashed" too. That's what happens to land abutting an angry sea - storms roll in off the ocean and lash it. I double-checked this fact in my trusty Intelligent Design handbook - thoughtfully provided by the Gideons on behalf of Regent University - just to make sure. Yup, it says God invented weather because Eve ate of the apple and He decided that a fit punishment would be to cast the stupid wench out of the garden, make her wear clothes, and lash her "coasts" with storms.

You can't argue with Intelligent Design man! It'll blind you with science! Just ask Pat, he'll tell you.

Then, there's the tsunami. The geological record shows that huge tsunamis hit the Pacific Northwest every few thousand years. But, Intelligent Designers tell us that all that rock is a lying, inanimate object of the Debil because God only got around to making the planet a few tens of thousands of years ago. Whom are you going to believe - some damn, newfangled radio carbon dating machine or a decent God-fearing disciple who thinks rocks are God's own turds left to harden in the sun?

However, Pat did skip one hallmark of his annual Godly Gabfest this year. He didn't blame these tribulations on any of the usual suspects in the weather-borne terror biz. No gays, no State Department employees, not even those piker 700 Club watchers who refuse to acknowledge that their money should be rendered up to Caesar Robertson were singled out for their devilishness.

It was a curious omission. If you can't blame the usual baddies, who takes the fall for all the bad juju?

Pat has come up with a novel idea - "no fault weather". Maybe Christian terrorizing fornicators haven't caused bad weather. Maybe it's nobody's fault. Maybe it's just the way God created the planet.

Nah! Can't be! Everyone knows God is infallible. How could He create a planet that just randomly kills people? That's not very loving is it? He's got be smarter than that.

Doesn't He?

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Friday, May 19, 2006