When Our Eyes Are Bigger Than Our Stomach

Another Fine Job Completed By Bush, Chertoff & Brown Disaster Services, Inc.

If it weren't for a slowdown innewspaper advertising to support it, we'd be using a forklift to retrieve the morning paper from our still unfinished driveway these days. There is so much news being made that we feel like a New Orleans levee in a Cat. 5 hurricane - straining under the force of nature and ready to burst at any minute.

As is our habit, we skimmed the news this morning looking for something that would inspire us to omnipotent insights truly fit for a deity and his cabal of lesser mortals. Instead, we became baffled by the panoply of choices. We're really afraid this might be a case of our omnipotent eyes being bigger than our equally omnipotent stomach, but here are a few thoughts on some of the top stories of the day:

When One Face Isn't Enough - Doctors in Fromaglandia have announced the first-ever face transplant. We're waiting for conservatives - who so decried the lack of French support after 9/11 they took the politically critical step of renaming french fries "freedom fries" - to weigh in. We've heard Secretary of Defense and imminent linguist, Donald Rumsfeld, will announce from the crown of the French-supplied Statue of Liberty, Patriotism Icon, and Gift Shop that all two-faced Frenchies are now being declared enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government. It seems Rummy is always on-board with these linguistic defense of the American ideal thing.

Long Ago in a Capital Far, Far Away... - An insurgency - oops, we mean a battle of enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government - has broken out over who has the "national" Christmas tree - oops again, we mean National Holiday Tree. Trees at the White House, US Capitol, and New York's Rockerfeller Center all claim the "national" title and officials at all three locations are fuming about being upstaged.

The White House became miffed when the tree-hugging Rockerfeller lefty crowd failed to support the global war on terrorism by lighting their tree first. Demanding an apology to all patriots across the country, official White House Tree Historian (and no, we didn't make up that title) David Curfman said, "I don't think they should do that. New York tries to kind of outshine us, and it is a little bit irritating."

In a display of solid Republican unity, Capitol Treemeistress Eva Malecki said, "I think the (capitol) tree is the people's tree; it complements the other tree by the White House. I think of the White House tree as the one in your formal living room. Then the Capitol tree is the one in your family room, with the ornaments you made."

And We Even Offered Him a Free Loofah - Aiming to be a popular enemy of the state, the Omnipotent Poobah recently requested Faux New Channel anchor and well-known sexual predator Bill O'Reilly add our name to his rapidly growing enemies list. O'Reilly failed to respond to our e-mail request and disappointed us by going to press with the list minus our name. It's not immediately clear if the 10,000 monkeys who answer Krazy Bill's letters were still trying to type the collected works of Shakespeare or were still working on a response to us.

Whoever Leaked This Information Will Be Asked to Write a Letter to the Editor - Indicted conspirator Scooter Libby, and soon to be indicted co-conspirator Karl Rove, must be quivering at the prospect of appearing before Wisconsin judge Jerry Jaye. Jaye recently sentenced several public leakers to write letters of apology to the local newspaper to atone for their leaks. In one letter, the condemned man wrote, "I am so terribly sorry for urinating outside of a public place in your city. It was not a very intelligent thing to do." Neither is shitting in your own mess kit, right Dubya?

Well, Imagine That - Top executives of several large oil companies recently testified before Congress that they did not participate in Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force and Drilling Panel. The next day documents were leaked showing several of them had direct communications with the panel. Republican staffers on the Senate Energy Committee claimed they did not participate because what they had done didn't fit the legal definition of "participate" - hmm, we could have sworn we heard that argument someplace before.

After getting caught with their tongues in the wringer, several execs issued clarifications. While they're all wonderful pieces of fantasy literature, we especially liked this one from
James J. Mulva, chairman of ConocoPhillips, who said he truthfully answered the question, "based upon my knowledge of Phillips' conduct prior to the merger with Conoco and on my knowledge of ConocoPhillips' conduct subsequent to the merger." We recommend the oil execs give Rummy a call, as the administration expert on all things doublespeak hoe could clear this confusion right up.

It Depends on the Definition of What Victory Is... - Our national CEO laid out his plan for doing something in Iraq yesterday. While Republicans seem absolutely clear on what he said, Democrats and the general public still seem to be a bit confused.

For the last two years, Shrub has harped about the global war on terror (or whatever other moniker he's given it this week) as being a "different kind of war". He says it is a war where the American people must have faith and be patient because our enemies will continue to fight and the war will never be completely over.

We know that the administration has been distracted by its important work of developing a new English language, but could they please take time to define "victory" for us. We looked over the Victory in Iraq document and missed the glossary where you tell us what victory means. Rummy could have accidentally changed the regular definition when you weren't looking. We just thought you'd like to know.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, December 01, 2005

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