One Helluva Omnipotent Funk

We admit it - we're in one helluva omnipotent funk. We spend our days trying to decide if we're going to smite someone or play the peace, love, and understanding card. These are tough choices for tough times. We know how that other omnipotent fella - uh ... you know ... the carpenter? - must feel at times. Well, it could be worse. At least our Dad wasn't crazy enough to demand we let someone nail us to anything, but we've still had more than our share of torment.

Now you might think that omnipotent beings can just do as we damn well see fit, but we have really tight union rules and we're already in dutch with the shop steward over that whole knocking Bush off the bicycle thing. It was damn funny though, don't you think?

So what are we pissed off at?

We're greatly annoyed at this whole Christmas vs Holiday vs Groundhog Day debate. It's stupid and silly and it wastes time. We don't go around demanding Omnipotent Poobah Day do we? We mean who does this Christ dude think he is? Christ-mas. More Christ, en Espanol? Very, very conceited. We much prefer the modest, laid back approach - something with a little less pomp and a whole lot more circumstance.

And this war thing. Come on! We knew all along that it wasn't about terrorists, but we didn't stop you because we thought you were smart enough to figure it out for yourselves. We gave you a brain, didn't we? Well, our bad. We probably should have done something when we figured out that the President Guy wasn't a real Chimp. We thought Darwinism would take care of him, but how was the Poobah to know that he had a damaged DNA string?

Then, there are the half-truths and lies. This woman with the gap between her teeth - you know, the one with the oil tanker named after her - what's up with her? She's as brazen that Delilah chick who used to date Samson. She goes right out on international TV and says she doesn't condone torture. Yet, there she is always trying to "clarify" her statements so that people will like her. Lady, some advice! You can't have it both ways. You either torture or you don't. It seems like simple language skills to us - hell, we invented language, so we should know. If you didn't lie, you wouldn't have to make excuses. What about this simple rule of physics does she not understand? How can her soldiers believe a word she says?

The Poobah thinks the old saying about not discussing politics or religion may just be right. At least the policits part anyway. It just confuses the issue and stirs up a whole lotta meaningless crap. People get all self-involved and it leads them to do stupid things.

Despite the fact that we invented you, we still can't understand you. We didn't make you in our image, like that other Dude claims. So you're not our fault. You are mystifying. You are confusing. You are downright annoying.

But in the end, we gotta love you. You're so fluffy and cute and always tripping over those big feet of yours. Heck, just thinking about your adorable faces makes us want to pick you up and give you a pat on the head.

Now that we've had a little time to think about it, we guess we'll keep you anyway - warts and all - because that's just our way.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, December 08, 2005