Free Enterprise and the American Way of LifeAmerica is the country of bigger is better. We love the outsized, supersized, mammoth, and humongous. Our states are bigger than many countries. We drive behemoth vehicles. We drink sodas from cups big enough to swim in. We eat hamburgers laden with enough calories to make a small, third-world country overweight within a week. So is it any wonder that we've created yet another gargantuan product? Something so big that we'll all have to have it, at least until the next biggest one comes along?
Yes, we're speaking of the FIVE-blade razor. Two blades, then three, then four weren't enough. Now we have a razor that can clear a patch of stubble with less effort than an International Harvester combine.
But wait, there's more!
The new razor will also come equipped with lubrication strips on the front and back ends, lest we chap ourselves. It has an auxiliary blade for trimming sideburns and under your nose. And, it will be available in both a power-operated and manual version for those who need a "starter" razor they can trade up on later. You might say at this point, "how could this razor ever be even more fabulous?"
Well wait, because there's even more!
Just to cinch its technology lead over its rivals, the new razor will have a microchip that regulates voltage, a low battery light so you won't be caught half-shaven, and a safety switch that shuts the thing down after eight minutes of continuous operation. We don't know about you, but we're not sure we'll be able to restrict ourselves to only eight minutes with a razor this technologically superior.
As the man used to say in the commercials, "I LOV THIS CON-TRY"! We lead the world in razor technology and we can't tell you how proud that makes us feel. Good old American know-how and ingenuity has triumphed and all is right with the world. Why, smart bombs and stealth fighters pale in comparison to this achievement and we'll be eternally grateful that the full force and weight of the American free-enterprise system was brought to bare on this vexing problem - "how do I get a really close shave?"
This finely-tuned shaving machine is a sterling example of what private enterprise and the American way is all about. Find a problem that needs no solution and then create one. But not just any solution mind you, a world-class, stock pumping, money rising to your eyeballs solution with flashing lights and more doodads than an exotic limousine.
We wonder what would happen if private enterprise brought all that talent, energy, and panache to solving problems that actually do need solutions? Can a 12-blade, oscillating, nuclear-powered razor be far behind?
You can bet on it. Halliburton is working on it as we speak.
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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, September 15, 2005