The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: When's an Emergency Not an Emergency?

When's an Emergency Not an Emergency?

e·mer·gen·cy - (n) a sudden, urgent, usually unexpected occurrence or occasion requiring immediate action.

The Commander Guy has never been known for his eloquence, so a little remedial reading might be in order.

"George, stop poking the other kids in the eye and turn to page 3 in The Pet War. Sit up straight so we can read together...and turn the book right-side up please."

Paying for the War of Error

The War of Error is funded through a series "emergency" supplementals, an installment plan predicated on imminent threats by a beret-wearing moustache and assurances the war would last, "weeks or months, certainly less than a year". Plenty of people fell for this twaddle, so it seemed reasonable at the time. Besides, it gave Congress a shot at some budget oversight via periodic reviews of war spending.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the, "sudden, urgent, unexpected occasion". It lasted four glacial years. The Republican Congress - aided by some quivering Democrat-Jelloheads - evaluated the emergency supplementals based on a string of new Presidential promises. WMD, regime change, nation-building, insurgency, Iraqi security, and a vague notion of "success" came and went like clockwork. Congress looked at the emergencies du jour, slathered on some extra lard, and passed the bills along for a Presidential scrawl.

Hostile Takeover

Through his ineptitude, George awoke one morning to find the Congressional Bank the target of a hostile takeover. The new management expected to see a return on their investments. They wanted a metric to show the strutting and posturing meant something beyond worthless drivel. Politely asking the BushCo CEO failed. Rallying the citizen stockholders failed. Finally, the Congressional Board decided on due diligence and inserted metrics into the emergency bills.

The CEO President went ballistic, as bankruptees in denial sometimes do. He railed against the bank, claiming he was being hornswaggled by unreasonable demands to meet quarterly performance benchmarks. Like any reasonable creditor, the bank continues to work out a deal, but the CEO Guy is having none of it. Even though he's the one in trouble, he demands withdrawal of the bankruptcy petition, full restoration of his emergency budget, and a juicy bonus for being so viciously attacked by enemy-aiding accountants.

Stockholders have seen this scenario play out time and again. In the end, the CEO usually loses and finds himself rooming with Dennis Kozloski at Club Fed or "pursuing exciting new opportunities" as a gentleman cow puncher in Texas.

It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.