The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: They Call Me Carnac the Magnificent!

They Call Me Carnac the Magnificent!

OPENING SCENE

The late Johnny Carson, dressed in his ridiculous Carnak the Magnificent getup, is handed an envelope by Ed McMahon. Johnny, with his usual flourish, holds the sealed envelope up to his head. There is a twinkle in his eye and his bejeweled turban glitters cheerily in the studio lights.

"And the question issssss," Johnny says theatrically. "Complete chaos!"

He opens the envelope and blows open the end. He removes the card inside and reads, "And the question is, what will be the result if the US invades Iraq!"

Ed shouts HEYOOOOOH! The audience laughs and Johnny goes on to the next question.

FADE TO BLACK

How about that? I'm the reincarnation of Johnny Frickin' Carson!

I knew the answer to that question long before we set foot in that hellish place. I could see quite clearly that Iraq was a place that even a world-class thug and dictator like Saddam had trouble holding in check. The country was a giant, national version of the board game Clue. Fanatical religious faction against fanatical religious faction in the kitchen. Ethnic group against ethnic group in the living room. Pro Saddam against anti-Saddam factions in the bedroom. When it came to killing, all Iraq needed for the complete game was Colonel Mustard in the study. GAME OVER! I wasn't the only one. I can remember more than a few articles that made exactly the same point.

I guess I have some competition for the Carson gig.

As soon as the wheels began coming off the bus in the early days of the occupation, military and political honchos alike quickly dropped the whole, "they'll greet us like conquering heroes" schtick and started dreaming of ways to deflect the criticism that they might have been wrong.

When there were questions about adequate troop strength for the invasion and beyond, all of them said, "No worries. We've got it under control." When the burning, looting, and pillaging began within days of US troops entering Baghdad, they said, "Mission Accomplished!" When the place devolved into complete anarchy and careened into civil war, they said, "There was no way for us to have known."

Well, if they believe that, I've got a wrecked house and a few acres in the soggy Ninth Ward of New Orleans to sell them. That's exactly the same excuse they used for their hamhanded handling of Katrina.

So here we are, months later and several thousand military and civilian deaths into the conflict and with no end in sight, the same tired-assed story goes on. Last week the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and the overall commander of the Iraqi debacle repeated it line for line before Congress. A shrug of their star-studded shoulders and a, "Who knew?"

If they'd just watched a few reruns of Carson, we wouldn't be in this mess now.

Here is a fact: Generals don't make it that high up the ladder by being incompetent boobs. Unlike a President, or the asshats who vote him into office, they can't afford the luxury of being a trillion dollars short and a few years late. The can't blithely get by on dramatic photo ops and the advice of hare-brained neo-nimrods with idiotic political theories. They have real problems. They have to decide who lives and who dies. I choose to believe the Generals are honest competent men, but it's awfully hard to square that with their public statements in front of Congress.

I think this is the problem.

From his first day in office, the Asshat-in-Chief has usurped just about every article of the Constitution, every check or balance, and every government department as though he is ruling by imperial decree. I think he believes he has more power than the Japanese Emperors of old - and people thought that were descended from God for chrissakes! I think he's just about co-opted every useful portion of the government and starved the rest on the vine - the military was simply the coup-de-gras. That's the only way I can explain how a group of powerful, intelligent, and patriotic men can stand up and say such damning things about their own performance. The Emperor made them do it. They aren't just, "taking one for the team", they're letting the coach fire mortar rounds at them and then lie about it as they smolder on the fields of political carnage.

It's time to put the Child-in Chief's delicate ego aside, stop supporting his inane behavior, and start admitting we've got a problem and we need to deal with it pronto.

With a new crisis arising every day or so, we have way too much on the national plate to be dallying around with a once-avoidable problem that distracts us from all the other fiascos the Dufus-in-Chief has gotten us into.

CLOSING SCENE

The late Johnny Carson, dressed in his ridiculous Carnak the Magnificent getup, is handed an envelope by Ed McMahon. Johnny, with his usual flourish, holds the sealed envelope up to his head. There is a twinkle in his eye and his bejeweled turban glitters cheerily in the studio lights.

"And the question issssss," Johnny says theatrically. "George Bush!"

He opens the envelope and blows open the end. He removes the card inside and reads, "And the question is, what do you call an imbecile who can't admit a mistake?"

Ed shouts "UH OH!" and the audience sits in stony-faced silence.

FADE TO BLACK (unfortunately)