The Republican Bill of Wrongs

We the Overlords of the United States, in Order to form a Union that most benefits us, establish fundamentalist Justice, insure tax-cuts, provide for Iraq's defense, promote the general Welfare of the top 1 percent of wage earners, and secure the blessings of our own personal Lord and Savior who you ignore at your own peril, do impose and dictate this revised Constitution of the United States of America.

Amendment I

Congress shall pass only those laws in agreement with the Christian Bible and compel the exercise thereof unless that religion is of the Jewish or Islamic faith. Congress shall abridge the freedom of speech or of the press at every opportunity as determined by less than one-third of the people. Congress shall also discourage the people from assemblage unless that assembly is in support of abortion or denigrates homosexuals.

Amendment II

An unregulated Militia, being necessary to guard our sacred borders from those hordes of smelly Mexicans, shall not infringe the right of the deranged to keep and bear Automatic Weapons.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be paid a livable wage, nor in time of war, to end his enlistment at the originally agreed upon time.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures does not exist. No Warrants shall issue and if warrants are issued shall be ignored by shoving said Warrant up an ACLU member's ass as he is forced to cluck like a chicken.

Amendment V

All persons held to answer for an alleged terrorist crime, shall be held until they die or are coerced into a confession, whichever comes first. No law shall prohibit that person from being transferred to foreign nations until a confession is gained by force.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall have no right to a speedy and public trial nor to an impartial jury, especially if that person is of Arab descent. The accused shall never be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation because he is already Guilty as sin.

Amendment VII

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy is the Presidency, the right of trial by chad-picking shall be preserved.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall be required, excessive fines imposed, and cruel and unusual punishments be inflicted because dirty thieves deserve what they get.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be construed to deny and disparage others such as fags, ragheads, Jew Boys, and other Godless Heathens.

Amendment X

Powers are not delegated to the people by the Constitution, but are reserved to the President, because he obviously knows best, Hey, he's the President!

Amendment XI

No further amendments or alterations to this document shall be permitted because it was created in the image of George Bush and is obviously perfect as ratified.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, May 31, 2006