O' The Things We've LearnedAs an omnipotent being, we love to give advice. We'd do one of those Bible things, but it taes too long to write one and we'd miss our favorite reruns of Gilligan's Island. Since we were immaculately conceived in 1955, we've learned much as a Deity and we're honor-bound to pass some of that wisdom along to you - unlike those other well-known deities who just let you flounder around with some vague scripture that can apply to anything and nothing all at the same time.
The most important things we've learned over the past half-century:
- It doesn't matter what a person's perception is, it only matters that they have it.
- The best man doesn't always win, but people always get what they deserve.
- It takes many small voices to make a great roar.
- To listen to others is a virtue, to talk over others a crime. Did you hear that Bill O'Reilly?
- Fill a bucket with water, swish it around with your hand and walk away for 15 minutes. When you return, the water in the bucket shows you just how important you are in the vast scheme of things.
- All the rational arguments in the world will never stop an irrational act.
- Never do today what you can do tomorrow.
- The trick is not knowing when to come in out of the rain, it's deciding not to go out into the rain to begin with.
- It's not so important to love thy neighbor as thyself. It's important not to mistreat your neighbor as you've been mistreated.
- A picture doesn't speak a thousand words, it provides damn good evidence when you go to trial.
- Of course the emperor has no clothes - you try getting dressed in the dark.
- Religion is a powerful force, but whether it is a force of good or evil depends on the person practicing it.
- Arguing about using the word Christmas or Holiday serves no one, least of all a Christian.
- Never anger the Gods, because...well, have you SEEN an angry God?
- Censorship is always the last refuge of the stupid.
- If you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he'll have a hobby for life.
- Any person who depends on a single source for their view of the world is a fool.
- A vengeful God will never triumph over a loving one.
- It's perfectly OK to covet your neighbor's wife, just don't steal her.
- Even the biggest fool has a good idea sometime.
- A man is always legally innocent until proven guilty, but that doesn't mean he didn't do anything wrong.
- The proof that the media is basically unbiased is borne out by the fact they are equally loathed by both the left and the right.
- The worst invention of mankind is work.
- Life isn't always fair and all the whining in the world won't stop that.
- If you make a comment, stand up proudly for it.
- All people should be allowed to retire until they are 65 before going to work. That way they're young enough to enjoy the retirement and it occupies all the old folks complaining about having nothing to do.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, December 18, 2005