2005: One BAD Year

We'll See About That

That's right, 365 days and not a minute more. Gads! We'll be so happy when this year is over. The leading economic indicators - strife, terror, and woe - are up again this year so it will end not a moment too soon for our omnipotent self.


Just look (and this is just from this week):

Boy in the Bubble, Meet Reality Man - The Bushster has so tired of the relentlessly bad news he now apparently has himself hermetically sealed before making an appearance. This is quite a change for a guy so gregarious that he can get away with giving people nicknames like "Fart Blossom". The man of the people has apparently now become the man afraid of the people.

It's a Success! No, It's a Failure! I'm Not Touching You, I'm Not Touching You - The "I Can't Remember What It's Name Is This Week" War still bumbles and mumbles along, trying to find closure, but feeling more like a bandaid ripped off a crusted-over wound. Of course, Donald "Baghdad Bob" Rumsfeld claims the place is heaven on Earth, "Look over there Toto! It's the Emerald City!" Reporters aren't quite so sure based on this news:
  • The Iraqis must have gotten an A on the torture finals. They can't seem to learn how to run an army, but they sure picked up quick on that attaching electrodes to the genitals trick that Lindy England taught them. Imagine what they could have learned if someone higher-ranking than a developmentally-challenged Private tutored them?
  • The "Big Satan" movement is still alive and well, even if it's the Iraqis instead of the Iranians who hate us now. However, we gotta agree with the extremists on this point - Dubya really is the Anti-Christ, er, Anti-Prophet. We mean, what else would you call someone who can't balance the national checkbook, but can estimate he has killed 32,140 people and refer to it as "an image issue"? Enron Accountant perhaps?
  • And how best to deal with this "image issue"? Why, buy fake news stories of course. It seems to us that the fakest thing about this arrangement is the claim they are producing "believable stories".
Jurassic Park Was Really Jurassic Ark - A fundamentalist Mom in Georgia recently seized on her kid's love of dinosaurs as the newest threat to the Republic. Mom said her son was, "...really into Jurassic Park. The trouble was we kept reading over and over that millions and millions of years ago, dinosaurs roamed the earth. And that's where I said, Hmm - wait a second."

Her solution in search of a problem? Parental warning stickers on evolution textbooks - a move equating Fred Flintstone's Dino with gangsta rappers. And she thinks the Darwinists are the crazy ones?

That's it. Stick a fork in us, we can't talk about this anymore. Go read some good news for a change. It'll be boring enough to send you on a little trip to Dreamytown.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, December 12, 2005

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