Bush Twins Arrested in Wiretap ProbeWashington, DC (Omnipotent Poobah Omnimedia) - A secret wiretap placed on the cell phone of the President's daughter, Jenna Bush, has revealed connections between her, her twin sister Barbara, and a terrorist group called the Young Republicans Against Democracy and for Hard Partying (YRADHP). As a result of the investigation, the twins were arrested last night at a Georgetown bar where they were buying cocaine and drinking heavily.
The White House immediately went on the defensive. Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan said in a brief statement, "Clearly this wiretap was obtained illegally and cannot, and will not, be used in court to malign the President's two beautiful daughters. Everyone can plainly see that any information about the twins is completely untrue, plainly political, a threat to our troops in harm's way, and personally hurtful to the Surgeon General. It's also an attempt to play the blame game and aid those who are constantly trying to undermine our country. At this time, we believe that Rep. Jack Murtha may have been responsible for starting these vicious, untrue rumors."
When asked why the twins had been detained, McClellan said, "The CIA provided us with flawed intelligence resulting in the arrests. We were told, and every single democrat in both houses of congress agreed, that the twins might be in possession of WMD. Heads are going to roll over this. No one, but no one, criticizes this administration without fearing the vengeful rath of a loving God. We plan to speak to reverend Pat Robertson immediately after this news conference and ask him to pray that all democrats be stuck down by lightning."
The twin's arrest came at a time when the Administration was already under fire for placing wiretaps on the phones of US citizens without a court order. Bush has argued that his obtaining of taps without warrants is justified as "a powerful tool in the War on Terror and is just good, clean fun."
"I've got to do everything I can to relieve the the crushing weight of civil rights on the backs of fine, Chirstian Americans. It's high time that strict, activist Constitutional constructionalists understand that they cannot rewrite history. After all, the Constitution is only a goddamned piece of paper. I am the President and my word is the supreme law of the land," Bush said as he emerged from a broom closet where a meeting with foreign ministers from the "Coalition of the Willing" was being held.
Some observers were stunned that the President's daughters turned up in a wire tapping probe. "The President has vowed that the wiretaps would only be used against terrorists and really, really bad people," said Hiram Keith, a senior fellow at the conservative think tank the Heritage Foundation. "Clearly he didn't mean for his decision to be applied to his two young daughters and they should be released immediately. I believe the President is completely within his powers to fairly apply law only to people he dislikes. That is the way things have been done in this country for at least the past five years and the way they should continue to be done."
It was also not completely clear how the wiretap was applied to the twins even though the President had left explicit instructions that his family, his closest supporters, lobbyists, and multinational businessmen, should never be directly targetted. Early investigations revealed that the taps may have been obtained because of a, "small, inconsequential breakdown in communications" according to one highly placed White House source who wished to be identified by his Secret Service codename, Turd Blossom.
"The President has been upfront about how he intended to use the law. The taps were apparently okayed by a White House gardner when the President was taking a vacation and could not be reached by telephone. Possibly because of a language barrier, the FBI believed that the President had actually answered the phone and had given them permission for the taps to proceed," Blossom said. "We'll be looking into how we may avoid these types of things in the future, but this minor incident has absolutely no bearing on how the law will be applied after the twins are released."
The arrests will be sure to fuel the fire over controversial provisions of the Patriot Act currently held up in Congress. The act was established after 9/11 to make it easier for the Administration to spy with a clear conscience. Although they apparently have never actually used the law, both President Bush and Vice President Cheney have roundly criticised lawmakers whenever the act is mentioned. "We usually just go ahead and spy," Cheney recently said. "that Patriot Act stuff is just a nicety for when we've got our tit caught in the ringer.
"These damned pussy-assed democrats are always trying to undo the fine work that the President and I have done since this Administration has been at the helm. I say let them get the hell out of the country if they don't agree with us. That, and torturing people, is the American way," Cheney said. "Arrguh! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum," he added.
The dust-up is expectded to end as soon as the two women make bail and leave the celebrity drunk tank at the Georgetown Country Club. "As soon as I get those girls home, I'm going to give them a stern talking to," a visibly shaken Laura Bush said. "They need the fear of God put into them. I may even put them on a 15-minute time out and make them read the Bible if they're not careful."
Her mother-in-law and the President's mother, Barbara Bush, said, "I just can't waste my beautiful mind on such things. Millie! Stop shitting on the floor! We just had those parquet floors redone," she said while fingering a set of pearls given to her by Barbara Billingsley, the woman who played the mother on the hit 60's TV show Leave It To Beaver.
"Damn dog! I need a drink," she said.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, December 20, 2005