The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: An Omnipotent Fantasia

An Omnipotent Fantasia

We may be omnipotent, be we still have fantasies. Sure, some of them are those kinds of fantasies, but plenty of others are sort of run-of-the-mill but interesting and revealing at the same time. To give you an up close and personal look at the mind of the omnipotent one, here are some of ours:

Stand Up Comedian - We've always seen ourselves on-stage, lit dramatically by a traveling spotlight, taking swigs of vodka concealed in a water bottle, making the world laugh. However, there are several down sides to this one: We're not that funny. We don't handle rejection well. And, we really like to make enough money to eat. Eating is a big thing for us. So is a roof over our omnipotent head.
Musician...Sort Of - Although we have little interest in the amount of time it would take to become a piano virtuoso, we are quite interested in the stunning effect that a well played tune can have at a party. We wish we could play exactly one piano piece perfectly, and no more. We see ourselves sitting at the piano at a party, absent-mindedly twiddling the keys, when someone comes up and says, "Do you play?" We answer, "Not really. Maybe just a little bit." Then, we play our one piece so incredibly well that it brings tears to the eyes of the guests who've congregated around the piano as we played. When they ask for more, we grin sheepishly and say, "No, I couldn't possibly." And, of course, the beauty is that we really couldn't.
Musician...Really - Our other musical wish is to belong to one kick-ass horn band like Tower of Power. We can't think of a better way to spend life than to be happy, play music that the crowd adores, and be recognized as the best in the biz. A gig on SNL might even be OK for that matter.
Stunt Man - At about the age of 13 we discovered the allure of danger. We found that by doing incredibly stupid things we could shock and amaze our friends. Jump off a cliff into knee-deep water? Did it. Ride on a ski board at 80 miles an hour as it disintegrated under us? Had a black eye to prove it. Repel off an insanely high railroad bridge and set up a pendulum swing as a train roars by? That would be us. Skydive, fly aerobatics, get stuck in a cave? Yup, yup, and embarrassingly, yup. The drawbacks? We're not athletic. We are 50 years old. And we found long ago that these things all sound more exciting than they actually are. Who knew?
Spy - Actually, we never wanted to be the James Bond type of spy, although being James Coburn in Our Man Flint did have a sort of goofy appeal. No, we wanted to be a real spy. The sort of person who labors away in some mundane job as a clerk while sneaking bushel baskets of secrets out the back door. However we lack several important traits that preclude us from this one: Being a clerk is so incredibly boring we'd flake out before we built enough of a cover to steal anything useful. We aren't sufficiently interested in money or spiteful enough of an ideology to follow this course. Besides, turning office politics into a guerrilla warfare gives much the same buzz and the people caught in your crossfire probably deserve their injuries more.

So it boils down to this...dreams are a swell thing, but that's why they're dreams. Fantasize them, but never live them. They lose their appeal real quick and then what will you do while you daydream at your desk? Dreaming about being a stunt man always beats fantasies about holding your stupid boss's head underwater.

Really, trust us on this one kids. Delay.