God Stuff

We trimmed bushes - the plants, not the family - today. It reminds us that we have advanced to the age where a stiff back can be expected with little or no physical effort. We're gonna hurt in the morning, even if we do take ibuprofen.

One might ask why - if we are indeed omnipotent - we don't just snap our powerful fingers and be done with menial tasks like this. After all, that God fella just asked Noah to pack up the yacht while he flooded the planet. Viola, no trimming needed. In fact, no plants period. We admire the effort. It was quick and efficient, but not such a cool idea if you were one of the ones left on the dock. We think it was a bit showy too. We've always gone for something more subtle.

We don't do the normal omnipotent shtick because we don't like to show off. We like to pretend we're just regular folks, kinda like the Bushes - the family, not the plants. We play it like Samantha on Bewitched. No omnipotentry unless absolutely necessary to bail out Darren or unless hilarity will ensue (though we would really think hard about zapping Mrs. Kravitz if she was poking around our place).

We are tempted to do a Pat Robertson and divert one of the many hurricanes zinging around from its destructive course. However, we haven't planned to smite gays or try to wipe out all the fans of Ellen Degeneres. Someone needs to be around to set fashion trends after all. We actually had thought about sending a hurricane for Pat because he richly deserves some comeuppance. Besides, we thought the irony would be delicious. Then, we thought better of it. Assassination by hurricane is more his style than ours.

As omnipotent beings go, we're sort of a laid back Deity. That Christian God dude seems much too vengeful. He doesn't reward you for being good, but for being sorry about doing bad. And that Mohammed guy? Fugettaboutit. We're really more like a low-rent Buddha. We smile a lot and love to have our omnipotent belly rubbed, but we don't believe in all that philosophical stuff because it's just too trippy. Throw a long haired wig on that little guy and you'll see a portrait of a fat hippie. We think he hits the incense a little too hard too, if you know what we mean.

So for now, we'll continue cutting the bushes - both the plants and the family - because it makes us real and keeps us happy. And really, what more can you ask from a Deity?

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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Saturday, September 24, 2005

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