The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Popsicle Sticks and Jesus

Popsicle Sticks and Jesus

Like most young omnipotent beings, we were schooled in the ways of the traditional Gods (Christian in our case) when we were young. It was a youth spent singing hymns, making Jesus fans out of church programs and Popsicle sticks, and passing collection plates. A pleasant enough way to spend a Sunday morning, but nothing to write home about.

Of that time, we remember little that inspired us and much that confused us. We don't think this was any failure in the Sunday school teachers, preachers, or other members of our suburban Methodist congregation. We simply asked questions. They would try to answer. We would pin them down a little more each time and they would finally run out of "proof" of a God. Finally, they would revert to that old chestnut, "Because the Bible tells us so." The one final question they ultimately could never answer was, "What happens if we choose to not believe the Bible?"

Lest you think we are a garden variety atheist who knows little or nothing about religion, let us tell you this. We've read the Bible - some great stories in there by the way - but not much fact. We've read portions of the Koran and have had numerous religious conversations about religion with our Muslim friends. While we confess to reading almost nothing of the Torah, we have conversed enough with our Jewish friends to know the Torah covers much of the same territory as the rulebooks of the other religions.

But, our point is this: We believe books are books. They are not the ultimate arbiters of what is true or not true. You are. How you choose to make this determination is completely up to you - a "mistake" a truly omnipotent being would probably not make we might add. And what we need is some proof.

So far, we've seen little to support the existence of a God and much to suggest that if there is one, he is one pissed off dude. But none of that matters on a daily basis. We believe that religion is a wonderful thing if it helps you feel better, assists you in doing good, or keeps you from doing evil. We are heartily against murder and can even go with that not coveting thy neighbor's wife thing (but isn't just a "little" impure thought OK?). We also believe this can be equally true of high school counselors, eating hamburger, and conserving gasoline. You get to make the choice. Hey, it's whatever gets you through the day baby.

We will fight to make sure you can continue to practice your religion as you see fit. If you want to worship rocks or magnificent omnipotent beings - ourselves excluded - that is your right. However, it is not your right to tell us how we should worship or not worship. You're free to worship as you please in the same way that a person is free to practice karate - as long as you don't hurt us with it, have at it.

We don't care that God is mentioned on the money or in the Pledge of Allegiance. Those are pretty trivial issues and we can't see getting majorly upset over it. We DO care about what we teach our kids. The school room is the place for science. There's ample time at your local hut of worship to cover Intelligent Design. We'd also appreciate it if you could see the other side of the argument too.

We don't think even the most cynical of atheists would say the Ten Commandments are a bad thing. What they are saying is that the commandments are a Christian thing and if you get to post them on every flat surface on Earth then we should let the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and any of the other myriad religions post theirs too. This is clearly not the way to have a good looking planet and we'd really rather keep it clean.

So here it is in a nutshell. We choose not to believe in a God. We believe you can believe in anything you want. However, we would appreciate it if you would stop telling us we're going to hell and in return we won't ask you to get out of a country that belongs to both of us.

And please, this blog is where we vent and rant. Being omnipotent is a tough job and we need the therapy. If we make a disparaging remark about your particular belief please understand that we vent and rant on everyone. We are an equal opportunity satirist and that includes religion as well as Tom Delay, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, and especially Cher. We REALLY hate Cher.

So we omnipotently proclaim, "make it so."

Amen.