News in ReviewRove Emails Deleted - According to the White House, nearly four years worth of emails sought by the Senate Judiciary Committee were accidentally deleted by President Bush's political advisor Karl Rove. White House spokesperson Dana Perino said, "The President believes the emails were deleted by Al Qaeda operatives. He is quite disturbed by this action and has vowed to get to the bottom of it."
"Anyone found guilty of this crime will be sentenced to a position as a federal prosecutor and summarily fired for never having graduated from law school," Bush is quoted as saying. "I believe it is important for the public to appreciate the high levels of trust and honesty continuously displayed by my administration."
When asked about the four year gap, Rove explained, "It was just a minor error. I leaned over to answer the phone and my foot hit the delete key," Rove said. "It could have happened to anyone. The keyboard was only 12 feet away in the next office. Those democrats are just a bunch of nappy-headed hoes bent on the politics of personal destruction"
Iraq Surge - In response to continued criticism of his Iraq policy, President Bush announced this week that he would withdraw all but 12 soldiers from Iraq. The National Guard members are expected to have their tours extended by at least six years to help stabilize the country.
At the same time, Bush requested Congress approve a three-fold increase in the pending emergency funding allocation. "I plan to show my continued support for the Iraqi government by issuing a no-bid contract to Halliburton for the construction of 16,000 cardboard cutouts of soldiers," Bush said. "These cutouts will stand as a proud testament to all the progress we've made in Iraq."
Unnamed sources said Bush also plans to revitalize Iraq's destroyed infrastructure by deploying 60 papier mache power plants, 160 miles of Christmas ribbon printed to look like superhighways, and thousands of hospitals and schools constructed of shoe boxes. Those sources say Bush's plan will ultimately succeed because the faux products are all made from recycled materials. "Let the dems and their global warming compadres suck on that one," one source said. "That Al Gore thinks he's just so smart. He's not the only one who can be a tree hugger you know."
Romney Adopts Pro NRA Stance - Presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced last week that he was a longtime hunter and had recently joined the National Rifle Association (NRA) for their low-cost, term life insurance plan.
"I've hunted my entire life, although mostly within the last two years when I participated in unlicensed bunny shoots," Romney said. "I'm no big game hunter. I shot the occasional squirrel, small varmint, or snofibgulos on the planet Bangdor."
After his prepared statement, Romney was asked, "Governor Romney are you on drugs or do you really believe you've visited Bangdor?"
Romney replied, "No, I'm not on drugs. I'm a Mormon dammit - we can't even drink coffee! Bangdor is a wonderful planet. I especially like the anal probes they offer there. Quite refreshing," Romney said while smiling vacantly.
Romney's campaign manager said of the comment, "Damn! He's done it again. The tricky bastard is off-message. Jenny, go hunt him down and get him back here. He needs the anal probe again."
Lieberman in Line for War Czar Job? - The President announced this week that his administration is hiring a special "czar" to lead the War on Terror. According to Senator Joe Lieberman, the czar would report directly to the President so that he is ensured, "clear and unambiguous advice not offered by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, or the National Director of Astrology. Clearly, the President can't mastermind the entire endeavor himself," Lieberman said.
After three rebuffed attempts to offer the job to retired generals, Lieberman put his own name in contention. "I think I can build on my abortive quest for the Vice Presidency and vast experience as a Senator from one of the smallest states in the Union, to lose the war more quickly, thereby ensuring victory," Lieberman said.
Vice President Dick Cheney, pausing during a snofibgulous hunt on the planet Bangdor, said he doesn't think Lieberman is the best choice at this time. "I'm the Decider around here. The War on Terror is the centerpiece of this administration and I'm the one running the show. Now excuse me while I return to the hunt. Festus, hand me a No. 3 Furlburfel Blaster. Those pesky snofibgulous are damn fast."
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, April 15, 2007