Time for an Energy Thingamajig

Over the past 30 years, administrations of both parties have squandered golden chances to forge a coherent energy policy. Though the problem had built for years, it reached a big juicy zit in 1973 when OPEC closed the taps and Americans started buying over-priced gasoline on odd or even days. As the sheiks ordered up another round of couscous, Americans got the rude awakening.

"Gee, maybe trusting the Middle Eastern despots isn't such a good idea."

Ya think?

Oil or Borax?

Reagan did little about energy independence. He was too busy trying to outgun the commies and do a little gun running on the side. He believed the US was the bee's knees and, 23-skidoo, he forgot the world's sole remaining superpower got around in a fleet of 2 gal. per mile Lincolns. Perhaps he couldn't tell the difference between borax and oil. After all, they both came out of the ground.

Although the Gulf War was nominally about Iraq invading Kuwait, it was also a prelude to what happens when the whole Middle East goes up in flames. Unlike his lunkhead son, 41 waged a popular war. He emerged with record high polls and had - again unlike his idiot child - real political capital to spend. With the despots beholden to him and the populace ready to do his bidding, it was the perfect time for a coherent policy. However, his dismal departing poll numbers and loss of the election tells the story of just how shallow the Ewing, er, Bush gene pool really is. Golden Opportunity No. 1 came - and went.

No "Oil" for the Blue Dress

Then, Slick Willy came to town. He talked a good game, but made no real progress. It was clear the old what's good for GM is good for the country maxim was alive and well and living in Little Rock. The only change on his watch was to loop the gas waster manufacturers and gas suppliers together to share the cost of lobbyists. Bill pissed away his golden chance for a BJ under the desk.

Damn, that little minx Monica must have been good. Too bad it wasn't oil that stained the infamous blue dress.

Smilin' George's Hummerland

Now comes George the Stupider. From atop the smoldering rubble he brought it to those dangerous, cave-dwelling, video-taping, Islamofacists. But, George's missing weekends with the National Guard didn't prepare him to wage war nearly as well as his Dad. Shrub, Rummy, and the Coalition of the Inept sat down at the 'ol campfire, pulled out their mess kits, and promptly shat in them - repeatedly. When those mess kits filled, they ordered up another 110,000 and ate more beans. Meanwhile, the oil gushed so fast it threatened to pucker up the entire Middle East as it flowed into Smilin' George's Hummerland dealership where the motto is, "I'd give 'em away, but my wife won't let me!"

Oil Can George turned his energy policy over to Big Dick Vader. Dick asked the oil lobby to write the policy while he got a change of batteries for his pacemaker. Then, he howled about ANWAR as if it was the last untapped field on the planet. He followed with an encore of propping up Ken Lay and telling the country, "There's no possible way you can conserve your way out of an oil crisis"...and Osama was too shacked up with Saddam you traitorous vermin!

Oil greases the US's skids. It ties into defense policy, environmental policy, and foreign policy. Almost nothing in this country is untouched by the availability of oil. We're in a race between holes burned into ozone layer by oil or an energy crisis of gigantic proportions.

The Perfect Metaphor

But, leave it to George. He took a vacation from the War of Error last week to unwittingly craft the perfect metaphor for his energy policy.

During a demonstration for a hybrid hydrogen/electric Ford, George raced to a live charging cord, picked it up, and promptly began to shove it into the hydrogen tank. Ford CEO, Alan Mulally - he of the four-month $39.1 million payoff - leapt into action and saved the leader of the free world from self-immolation, proving that what's good for GM must be good for Ford too.

About $39.1 million good for him. Not so much for the country.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, April 08, 2007

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