The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Let's Rumble Virgil Goode

Let's Rumble Virgil Goode

I recently wrote a post about the ascendency of the wussy in American politics. Like most bullies, these quivering mounds of Jello talk tough about chasing down every Amal, Abdul, and Hussien they can find in an attempt to stop "terrer" and avenge the victims of 9/11. But these bullies do it while hiding behind the flag and working hard to immolate or abridge the rights of anyone on the planet who happens to disagree with them.

"Ya better run away you nasty terrist. If'n ya don't, ah'll vote the First Amendment rat outa thuh Constitution. That'll larn ya, ya cutthroat Islamofascist," they yell in high-pitched and tremolos voices. "I'll send mah big brother to kick yer Muslim ass," they scream from an undisclosed location.

These crapweasels would literally shit their pants if faced with an actual Muslim - terrorist or not. The mere sight of a Koran sends them tumbling over a cliff in a mad rush to find a Bible to take cover behind. Yet somehow they believe themselves to be the bravest of the brave. So brave, in fact, they display it by sending other people's kids off to get killed in a war halfway around the world.

Damn! Now that's brave! They sure don't come any braver than that. Real Rocky Balboas these guys are. Texas National Guard members no doubt.

So, meet Virgil Goode, a courageous Virginia Congressman whose pants currently stink with a huge, sopping-wet load because Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison wants be sworn in to Congress on a Koran.

Virgil bravely whined that no Korans be allowed unless used in a "private" ceremony. And while hiding under a pickle barrel, he defended his God-fearing constituents with a cowardly rant about how we need stronger immigration policies to protect us from them damn "Mooslem feriners"?

But Virgil? Funny thing. Ellison is a US citizen - and not one of those naturalized ones you fear so much either. Nope, Ellison was born and bred in Detroit, Michigan. In fact, he was raised Roman Catholic and attended a Jesuit high school as a kid. Oh, and his brother is a Baptist preacher. That's sounds pretty subversive to me. You simply can't trust those seditious Catholics and Baptists, especially if they left the bosom of Christ for the arms of Allah.

Ellison sponsored some pretty subversive legislation while serving in the Minnesota House too. Why, he supported involuntary commitment for sex offenders, pushed for DNA testing for criminals, and worked on legislation to keep kids in school. Yup, that's one scary dude you're up against there Virge. I can see how he could strike terror into your heart.

Now, I'm no Lou Dobbs on the matter, but I support a stronger immigration policy too, although I'm having a bit of a problem seeing why that has anything to do with a native-born American scaring the bejeebers out of a cracker from the sticks. I support it because I believe we are absorbing immigrants, especially illegal ones, at a rate faster than our infrastructure can cope. I also believe that despite what some would have you believe, some of the jobs being taken could and would be filled with Americans. Simply stated, I want an immigration policy that serves America's needs first and I'm unapologetic about it.

However, I'm not all about cutting off immigration because I'm afraid a wandering band of Muslims will cut my hands off unless I celebrate Ramadan. I'm not about insisting all immigrants assimilate perfectly into an English-speaking culture because I'm afraid I'll have to order my hamburgesa en espanol. And I couldn't care less whether immigrants believe in a Bible, Koran, Torah, or a bag of celery (although I personally favor celery worship because at least you have something healthy to eat after services). I believe that way because that is the way the America I know deals with things. That is the way that a brave America behaves.

But most of all, I'm not afraid of ol' Virge and his congregation of crapweasels. As far as I'm concerned, they are cowards of the first degree - people who are so afraid of their own shadows they are willing to pull their well-worn asshats down to their ankles in an attempt to hide from a man who wants to put his hand on a book of his own choosing and swear allegiance to the Constitution.

I have but one message for Virgil and all the other lemmings who follow his cowardly rants:

I'd be perfectly happy to come kick your cowardly asses myself. Anytime. Anywhere. No big brothers. No flag to hide behind. No black book for protection. No invisible spirit in the sky. I'll do it as a proud American citizen who is tired of people like you giving my country a bad name.

Whatta ya say there Virge? Mano a mano? Let's rumble.