The Swami of Crawford Looks Into His Balls

The Swami of Crawford has been peering into his crystal ball lately, trying to develop a strategery that'll pull his turban out of the couscous. Polls are down, tensions are up at home an abroad, and the Swami is playing a quick little game of "I spy, with my little eye...":
  • Nearly three years into the War Against Terror, For Freedom, and Against Accountability (WATFFAA), the swami is seeing a hazy ball. The flowers that were to have been thrown at the feet of our brave boys have, embarrassingly, turned out to be improvised explosive devices (IEDs). So, with poll numbers crashing like a lead-filled quail, he's decided to do something bold and decisive. He's launched Operation Swarmer - the largest military operation since Mission Accomplished. He's rooting out bad guys and probably a few family goats and camels as we speak. He's sent his minions of PR out to let everyone know this is an operation being waged in large part by Iraqis and based on Iraqi intelligence. However, he's again asking us to trust him because he forbade any media from actually seeing the Iraqis in operation. Need to know and all that you understand. Besides, when it turns out he attacked the wrong country or something equally inept, he can blame it all on the Iraqis and no one will ever be the wiser. The first rule of Swamidom - always leave yourself an out.
  • He also sees a flourishing Iraqi democracy that grows stronger by leaps and multi-ethnic democratic bounds. Aside from a nascent civil war, the inability for any two Iraqis to agree on how many cubes of sugar to put in the tea, and the Parliament closing itself after a 30 minute debate on what to have for lunch, things are going swimmingly. The Swami says, "just keep saying it's a success. Sooner or later they've got to believe me."
  • The Swami is also concerned about Iran. He's taken to telling them they better watch out or he'll poke 'em real hard with his magic, unending army. The Iranians, obviously cowed by this impressive display of sabre-rattling say, "OOOOOO! You and who else's army? If you want, we'll talk to you about taking Iraq off your hands, but we're not letting any nukes go. The reactors make dandy popcorn poppers."
  • The Swami wants to keep our "coalition partners" in the loop, so he sent Assistant Swami and Dominatrix Condi on a swing down Sydney way. We can see why he sent her. She cracks a mean cat-o-nine tails, looks great in vinyl, and she's one smart lady. She says the Iraq transition will, "take time". No shit. That Condi is smart as the whip she wields in her private moments with the Prez.
But, we shouldn't be so hard on him, even if his turban is wrapped a little loose. He's new to this omnipotent biz and we've been around a long time. We know how hard it must be to gaze into your crystal ball and see anything when the twins have been using it as a munchie tray at frat parties and Barney and Mizz Beasley have shed hair all over it.

No worries though. We expect he'll be getting the hang of things real soon and if he doesn't there's always 2008. Nearly 36 percent of the population says he's right on top of things. It's true that most of them live in Crawford or are on the payroll, but that's no reason to judge.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, March 16, 2006

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