Dear Republicans: We Told You So

This is one of those posts that swings on a "yes...but" statement. We'll apologize right up front for that, but - there's that giggling little word - "we told you so".

This weekend's Republican tete-a-tete in Memphis was more than just an excuse to go to Beale Street, listen to some blues - although the sight of a Republican listening to the blues is amusing - and bash liberals for the end of the world. It was also about their upcoming strategery for keeping their stranglehold on all three branches of government.

There was plenty of talk about getting back to core conservative values - (BTW, have you noticed that Republicans never call themselves Republicans anymore? So much for the party of little elephants and Big Tents) - those conservative values being to redistribute the nation's wealth among as few people as possible, grinding everyone not of the Christian persuasion under the jackboot of religion, giving corporations legal rights in excess of individual rights, and sealing the deal with as much spying, cronyism, war, and environmental pillage as possible. And don't even get us started about shooting old guys in the face.

You didn't hear much about why they are so vociferous about getting back to those values. In a political process probably not seen since the days of Warren G. Harding, mention of the Grand Old Patooties' leader was strictly verboten. Except for a pandering expression of solidarity from John "I Sold My Soul to the Anti-Christ" McCain, you heard nary a word about the Frat Boy-in-Chief. In Ashcoftian splendor, he was even unable to muster enough votes to beat that congenital idiot from Virginia, Senator George "I'm So Frickin' Stupid Even Bush Fired Me" Allen.

In fact, the few words you did hear were forced through the hard panting of Ironman Triathalon contestants trying to get as far away as possible from His Incompetence.

"If I knew then what I knew now, I would have never voted for him again," was a familiar refrain. So was, "he lied", "his conduct of the war was inexcusable", "no one could defend his response to hurricane Katrina", and a host of other cockups from Medicare snafus to botched medical savings accounts and his flat-footed War on Whatchamacallit This Week.

It's bad enough when Democrats say these things. They are supposed to know better, but many of them seemed to have lost sight of that in the post 9/11 "you're a traitor if you question His Highness" miasma. The best that can be said for the spineless Demotwerps who kept giving the bastard what he asked for, is that they were stupid. Maybe even criminally so. But at least when they voted for him and he inevitably screwed it up beyond belief, they had the good sense to attack him - however weakly - like the Texas cur dog he is.

The ones who were really insane were the nitwits of his own party - the ones who kept voting the dumb bastard in, closing ranks to protect him from every f*ck up, making excuses at every turn, and abandoning the true principles of conservatism without even a nudge from the impotent Dems on the other side of the isle.

They didn't wimper a word of protest as he dragged us into Viet Raq with a long trail of non-existent WMDs, torture, and mismanagement in tow. They offered only faint murmurs of protest when he sold our great-great-great grandchildren down debt river. They figured a dozen or so hearings that never blamed anyone for anything were a sufficient enough response to the travesties of Katrina.

And now?

Now they have the unmitigated gall to abandon him. Now that the damage is done. Now that his record of incompetence and cronyism is unsurpassed. Now, after voting him back in on a promise of four more years of the same damn thing, they've decided to get a conscience.

"He's a hack...he's a lying charlatan...how could we have been so hoodwinked by the clever bastard?"

Clever bastard?! Dear Bible-thumpin', anti-choice, Christian God in heaven! The man has all the perception of your average Gale Norton-hewn tree stump! Hoodwinked?! If the rube of all rubes took you in, you've got to have the largest grifter target painted on your backside the world has ever seen!

Here, you sanctimonious know-it-alls, is a true and simple fact. He gave you exactly, word for word, what he said he would deliver. He gave you something that no other politician in history has ever been able to pull off. He gave you 100%, Grade A, bird-flu-mad-cow-infected, prime servings of every promise he ever made.

We tried to tell you. We pointed out the chimp was acting like, well...a chimp - flinging poop in all directions and managing to cover himself and you in it at the same time. We begged, we pleaded, we cajoled, we marveled at your stunning level of self-deception - but you wouldn't listen. Like arsonists drawn to a whorehouse fire, you gazed into his wretched, smirking eyes and fell in love. Then you did what all destructive lovers do. You gave him another chance.

If you were a hard working, single Mom from Topeka writing to Dear Abby about being jilted for the 15th time by your lovable but cheatin' man, it would be a little humorous. But you're not. So we'll tell you what Dear Abby always tells Jilted in Topeka when she writes in for advice, "wake up and smell the coffee honey! You made this bed, now lie in it."

Which is just another way of saying, "we told you so".

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, March 12, 2006