Gonzales Testifies At Senate Committee: Hilarity Ensues

Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales testifies before Congress today to defend the administration's warrantless wiretaps. As a loyal member of the administration, he strongly believes there is nothing wrong with snooping because we only do it to terror suspects. Here is a transcript of his testimony:

Sen. Specter: Mr. Attorney General, I'd like to thank you for coming before the committee today to testify about this pesky warrantless wiretapping controversy. I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing, but we do have to investigate to the best of our ability to preserve the credibility of this institution and the office of the Presidency. I'm fully convinced that your testimony will help shed light on the issue.

Gonzo: Thanks Senator. I know you are a good man and a brave supporter of the President. Even when he does something a little hinky...I mean illegal...I mean totally legal and airtight.

Sen. Specter: I'll turn the questioning over now to Sen. Orrin Hatch from the great beehive state of Utah.

Sen. Hatch: Mr. Gonzales. I know the President and respect him as a paragon of virtue in a sea of lily-livered, patriot-hating democrats. Would you believe this is a fair summation of the President's feelings?

Gonzo: Yes I would Senator, except that I believe he truly feels even more strongly about them than that. I believe I've heard him refer to democrats as carbuncles on the ass of society.

Sen. Hatch: Mr. Gonzales, I have but one vital question for you - do you now or have you ever wiretapped members of the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints?

Gonzo: No sir, except for that one little exception of accidentally picking up a couple of LDS missionaries having phone sex on a call between Las Vegas and Basra. As you know, Las Vegas claims that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and I believe we had the right, nay the Constitutional duty, to protect our citizens from these evil doers. As we briefed you Senator, when we caught them red-handed they readily agreed to repent and contribute 20 more years of missionary work to the fine LDS institution. We agreed since neither of them had actually removed any clothing or touched their, um...nether regions.

Sen. Hatch: Nuff said. Good enough for me. Obviously you were within God's law and the Constitution - insomuch as the Constitution applies here. Sen. Specter, I move we adjourn now since there is no more relevant testimony. I have a lunch date with my mistress...er, wife and I don't want to be late.

Sen. Specter: Thank you for that motion Sen. Hatch, but I believe it is imperative that we at least hear a few questions from our democratic colleagues. After all, we don't want to be accused of running the Senate like a plantation do we?

In the interest of absolute fairness, we will now hear from a member of the loyal opposition no matter how much we in power detest their harebrained schemes and ideas.

Sen. Leahy, you have the floor.

Sen. Leahy: Zzzzz...snork...grunt...zzzz.

Sen. Specter: Yes, well we'll come back to you later when you are a bit more prepared. Sergeant of Arms, wipe the drool off Sen. Leahy's face please.

Perhaps we'll move on to Sen. Kennedy from the small, insignificant, and viscously liberal state of Massawhatchamacallit. Sen. Kennedy, before we begin, could you tell the committee a little more about Chappaquiddick? It seems very germane to today's discussions.

Sen. Kennedy: Why you asshole! Who the hell do you think you are? I've never been in Chappaquiddick! I've never taken a drink in my life! I've never driven a car! And, I have absolutely no information about what happened to that poor girl. Furthermore...

Sen. Specter: Time's up Teddy. Thanks for your questions. Sergeant at Arms, give Sen. Kennedy one of our great parting gifts and escort him from the room!

Now we'll hear questions from Sen. Graham from the great, glorious, and confederate stronghold South Carolina. Sen. Graham?

Sen. Graham: Thank you Mr. Chairman. Mr. Gonzales, has the President ever received a blow job from a young intern in the Oval Office?

Gonzo: No Senator. The President is completely asexual, despite the fact that the twins are some sweet honeys who I'd like to take behind the podium and...

Sen. Graham: Exactly! Exactly! Rule of law! Rule of law! We have to have the rule of law so that no blow job goes unpunished, so that no hand job can be Constitutional! Rule of fucking law...please excuse my French, not that I speak French mind you...cowardly bastards that they are.

Say, pass me some of them Freedom Fries will you Sam (Brownback, R-Shitheel, KS)?

Sen. Specter: Sen. Graham, thanks for that engrossing lecture on the constitutional dangers of blow jobs. I know I certainly wouldn't want one. At least not here, but maybe behind that curtain over there. Mrs. Feinstein, would you care to step behind the curtain with me for a moment?

Sen. Feinstein: Certainly not Senator! I am flustered, insulted, aggrieved, and yes, just a little flattered, but that doesn't matter. It is highly inappropriate!

Sen. Specter: Di...babe...what about if I wear the Massa outfit and flick you just a little with the whip. We could get a couple of the fellows from the Congressional Black Caucus to put on the field hand getups...what do you say?

Sen. Feinstein: Well, perhaps this once...purely in the interests of bipartisanship mind you.

Sen. Specter: This meeting is adjourned. Di, call Bill O'Reilly and see if we can borrow the loofa!

Mr. Gonzales, thank you for your testimony. Based on the President's stunning integrity, I believe that everything he did or will do at anytime in the future is not only legal, but he should be impeached if he doesn't carry out his ideas.

Gonzo: Um, thanks Senator. Glad I could be of service. Do you guys validate for parking in the Senate garage?

Sen. Specter: Yeah, yeah. Just see the Sergeant of Arms and he'll punch your ticket for you. Also have him give you one of those get out of jail free cards. Damn handy sometimes.

Gotta go. Gotta go. (bangs gavel) Meeting adjourned!

Di?! Did you get hold of Bill yet?!

(End of Transcript)

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, February 06, 2006