The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!: Transcript: Bush Press Conference

Transcript: Bush Press Conference

WASHINGTON (Poobah Press Services) - President George W. Bush held a rare press conference yesterday and talked with reporters about a host of issues facing the country.

W: Welcome to the White House ladies and gentlemen. It is a rare privledge for me to address the White House Press Corps. I have a great affininitism (sic) for all of you. Scott, if you'd like to get out of the way, I think I can handle these fellas.

McClellan: Uh, sir? We've talked about this. Why don't you let me field the questions? It is, after all, my job. I'm a professional. My Mom is watching...

W (Interrupting): Scott, you're not the boss of me. Get the hell out of my way! Don't make me write an executive order on your ass. I CAN! It'd be legal too! Just ask that Mexican jumping bean over at Justice. He'll tell you.

McClellan: Yessir.

KAREN (Hughes)! He's doing it again. My God Karen, stop him, stop him! (McClellan leaves the room.)

W: I'm ready for your questions. Helen, I'd start with you, but you ask hard questions and I don't like hard questions because they're too much work. Hard work. That's what I'm doing for the American people, hard work. Yes, yes, yes, very hard.

CNN: Mr. President, Helen's not here today.

W: Oh. Well you go then fella. Hey, did I ever tell you that you remind me of that Jeff Gannon fella? Helluva guy. Got a bald head. I love to rub bald heads. Asked easy questions too and looked mighty fine in them Speedos of his.

CNN: Uh, oh-kay! Mr. President, Osama Bin Laden released a tape yesterday calling for a truce to allow Muslins to rebuild Iraq. In the same tape he also warned of potential new terrorist attacks within the United States. How would you respond to that?

W: Well, Saddam...I mean Osama - I always get those guys mixed up. Osama's the one with the moustache, right?

CNN: No sir. That's Saddam. Osama has the beard. Well, they both have beards now...I can't believe I'm engaging in this conversation! I have a degree from Columbia!

W: Well, either way, those guys ought to shave once in awhile. A guy with a beard can't be trusted. That's why I made Secretary Chertoff shave his. He has a bald head too. I love those bald heads. Makes them swim real fast when there's a flood. I think he loo...

CNN: (Interrupting) Mr. President? The question?

W: Oh yeah. I think that the idea of a truce is just plain nonsense. Muslims can't clean up this mess, only America can. I mean, does Bechtel have a Muslim branch? No. Osama just wants a cut of the action because his family owns a big competitor to Bechtel and Halliburton. He just wants to screw Dick out of what's rightfully his. He...

Screw Dick. Hee, hee, hee. I just made a joke. Screw Dick. Ain't that funny?

CNN: Yes sir. The question?

W: All I have to say to him is BRING IT ON! We'll whip his sorry ass and finally Daddy'll be proud of me for what I've done. Daddy, are you watching?

WaPo: Sir, a follow up! If you can't find Osama, how do you propose that the Unites States will be able to, in your words, "kick his ass"?

W: Spying, that's how. Spying is a wonderful thing. You get to listen in to telephone calls. It uses all sorts of fancy gadgets...I don't understand them myself mind you, but Dick shows me how to work all the buttons. Sometimes I even break into the call and tell them Prince Albert's in the can.

WaPo: Uh sir? That's "Do you have Prince Albert in a can"?

W: Well hell no I don't! Do you?

WaPo: Never mind sir.

ABC: On a different tack Mr. President, you've staunchly defended your right to tap telephones and now you seem to be broadening the effort to spy on citizens by demanding search records from some of the biggest search engines...Yahoo...Google. How do you intend to use these records?

W: Well first I'd like to say that we asked for the records to keep ourselves safe from terrorists...then there is that porn thing. Pornographicallness (sic) is sick and it's plain as the dick on a steer that only Muslim fellas would do that.

They got beards you know! You can't trust fellas with beards!

Anyway, I just can't bear the thought of them sweaty, bearded Muslims looking at my dear, sweet Jenna on that Internet thingamajig. I mean she's only for the American fellas to look at and lust after. The ones that respect the country and salute the flag. Corn-fed good looks, that's how I describe her. Yessir. One pretty filly.

But I regress...that's the right word ain't it?

Porn is a threat to democracy and we've got to stop it. No more beating off in front of computer screens. That's what Attorney General Ashcroft always said.

Did you know he covered up them boobies on Lady Justice? I always kind of liked them though. They reminded me of Laura.

Next question?

Fox News: Sir, we understand there is a small, but dedicated minority who seem to be unhappy with the way things are running under your administration. It's true they are all raving, lunatic democrats who should all be put to death, but would you care to comment?

I'm sorry for asking such a bold question sir. Would you like me to withdraw it?

W: No, I can draw for myself.

I think everything is going exactly according to plan. Iraq, perfect plan...execution, not so much, but a damn good plan. Iran, I give myself an A+. Boy, I sure wish I'd have been able to do that in college. Would have made my life a whole lot easier, I tell you!

And, that Italian fella I put up for the Supreme Court? Great guy...even if he ain't bald. Them traitorous democans (sic) don't like him though. So I just say tough titties to them. If you was in charge, you could nominate whomsoever (sic) you'd like. But you ain't, so suck on it you losers!

That's just my little way of being a uniter, not a divider you know. I like to build bridges. I DO like to blow them up though. Damned exciting. Concrete and steel flying through the air. Helluva sight.

MSNBC: Sir, what about...Excuse me sir, we need to go to break. Can I finish the question after the break?

W: Sounds good to me. I got to take a leak anyway.

MSNBC: (After returning from break) Sir, what about the burgeoning lobbyist scandals?

W: What scandal? I ain't heard nothing about no scandals. Must not be much of a problem then, is it? The people trust me because I trust the people and when people trust people it leads to a sense of trust. Trust me on that.

We just got a minute for one more question. I got to take a nap or go on vacation. I forget.

Bravo: Sir, for the gay community the issue of...

W (Interrupting): Gay?! You're going to ask about that movie with all the homosexual cowboys, ain't you? Hobson really hates that one...hee, hee, hee.

Well, I just got to say that it is pure filth. Cowboys are too American for such behavior. I mean I am one, a cowboy, not a homo. I just can't bear the thought of them out there alone in the wilderness getting up to all sorts of homosexual shenanigans. Just the two of them...good looking fellas too, mind you...staring off into the beautiful American landscape with the pretty music making you all chilly inside. I liked the looks of the eyes on that one fella, Heathcliff, was it? Very nice eyes. Prettier than Laura's almost.

Uh, I got to go to the bathroom to beat...er, take a piss. Scottie, here boy...here (whistling). Wrap this up will you?

Farewell to all you media fellas...and the girls too. Maybe you should all shave your heads before we get together again. I'd like that. I'd like that a lot.

McClellan (Renetering the room): That'll be all for today ladies and gentlemen.

Karen, Goddamit where the hell have you been?! You left me here alone with that nutcase again and you know I can't control the crazy bas...(interrupted).

NYT: Scott, um, the microphones are still on.

McClellan: Oh.