When the Laws of Physics Are SuspendedAhhh, July 4!
The sky's alight with big blossoms of red fire, green showers of tingling sparks and impossibly loud bangs that rattle the windows and make the babies in the crowd cry. We've celebrated the birth of the good ole US of A with fireworks for over two centuries - rockets' red glare and all that - and usually it's a pretty harmless diversion. With the exception of the occasional grass fire, little comes back out of the sky when the Roman candles go up. Besides, dozens of American Legion and VFW Posts raise money by selling fireworks. Some volunteer fire departments do as well - maybe getting a little too excited for some smoke eating action.
But fireworks aren't all that goes up and must come down. The real danger on July 4 these days is that you'll be shot. It seems that in our zest to become the world's melting pot, we've gone a little hog-wild and absorbed some bad habits from other places - like Iraq.
Supreme Dunderhead Saddam Hussein was famous for shooting rifles, pistols, machine guns, and in fact, anything that made a bang into the air. The famous clip of him dressed in his Sunday-go-to-war clothes and porkpie hat shows him smiling and shooting a rifle into the indeterminate distance. By following the trajectory, my guess is that the bullet came to rest in the top Baghdad Bob's skull while he was giving an interview at the Saddam Baby Milk Factory and WMD Emporium.
Saddam...Dude! Don't they teach physics in Iraq? I know you were real caught up in the latest ethnic cleansing and all, but didn't you figure the bullet would have to come down someplace. True, you probably didn't really care, but it could have accidentally killed that little Mini Me that ran around with you in your videos. Or maybe it could have bumped off your mustache waxer? Even you must have some friends.
Now, it seems, we have to live with this problem in the USA. Each holiday, asshats around the country emulate - unfortunately not immolate - the Big Guy and shoot God knows what into the air. And just as surely, each holiday some innocent bystander gets hit by the descending slug or has their windshield shattered or hits the guy controlling the big commercial fireworks display causing it to go out of control killing hundreds of bystanders. Well, maybe not that last one, but you get the point.
So my idea is this. If you get caught shooting indiscriminately into the air, the judge shall sentence you to play Russian Roulette with Mr. Hussein. I think it would teach you both an excellent lesson in physics and cut down on the number of Nimrods who are stupid enough to do this.
Whadda ya think?
(Visit the Redhead Papers for another take on this subject.)
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, July 04, 2005