Another Fine Mess George Has Gotten Us Into

There's been a lot of bold talk by the dems about the need to set a deadline for troop withdrawal in Iraq. This idea has floated around the halls of Congress since the weak-bladdered pols went along with this ill-fated misadventure to begin with.

At the time, our Commandant-of-Ineptitude resisted the idea on the grounds that it would send a signal to the "terrists" that they only need hold out until the deadline and we'd leave the fetid stinkhole to them to fight over - sort of a walk and run instead of a cut and run. Lord Bush and the cabal argued that by publicizing a deadline, the attacks wouldn't stop, they'd only get worse. I shudder to say this, but I actually think that was correct at the time. Of course, their follow-on statements about victory being in our grasp and the rest of the happy-talk claptrap was as nonsensical then as it is today.

Now the dems are reviving the idea with a new justification - we need to send a signal to the Iraqis to stand up and take care of their own country. While this may sound like a brave position that's full of wisdom it's - what's the word? - er, stupid. It's the stupid talk of stupid people who did something stupid and now want political cover so they can convince more stupid people to continue voting their stupid asses back in.

Does anyone actually think the Iraqis need to be told that? After all, they're the ones who go to the local market dodging bullets, IEDs, and kidnappers at every corner. They're the ones experiencing the wonderful results of Rummy's great nation-building prowess. Heck, they're up to almost six hours a day of electricity and they have semi-flushing toilets. They're probably kicking back and relaxing now they're on easy street. Why, I can see the flowers being assembled to be thrown at our feet in gratitude as I write this.

The Iraqis may be killers and religious zealots, but they aren't stupid. They know they need to pull together, but it isn't as easy as let's all hug and be one big happy republic.

With ethnic and religious scores to settle, there are only a handful of Iraqis willing to play nice and make democracy. They haven't gotten along for eons and there's no reason to suspect they'll get along now that Bushrod has given them the keys to a brand new, shiny democracy to test drive. The proof of this problem is in Saddam Hussein himself. He was a ruthless dictator who killed and tortured for fun and profit and he couldn't keep the Kurds from slitting a few Sunni throats or Sunnis from kicking a little Shiite ass. What hope does Bush have? He can't even pacify his own party.

First, we signal the terrorists, then we signal the Iraqis. That's a whole lot of signaling. It reminds me of smoke signals from the Hikowi camp on F-Troop. Puff...puff..."Calamity Jane go on heap big date with Capt. Parmenter! Agarn, come quick."

Signals aren't going to work and here's why. When the Great Decider decided to invade the place, and the dems decided to abandon their duty to try to stop the nitwit, we began painting the international floor. Since then, we've steadfastly refused to stop painting. In fact, we've been painting furiously ever since. It's been a veritable orgy of painting. And now, we find ourselves painted into a corner surrounded by a perpetually wet-painted floor.

As Colin Powell pointed out at the beginning of this tale of woe, "If you break it, you bought it." Well, we broke it, stomped on the pieces, set them afire, and finally pissed off all the firefighters so they wouldn't come bail our sorry asses out. Common decency and the prestige of the nation would suggest that if we broke it, we should fix it. The problem is, how do we put Iraqi Dumpty back together again without breaking ourselves into pieces in the process?

We could leave, but a kill-fest will surely ensue and that famously unstable region will spin out of control. If we leave, the place will become the nest of terrorists that the Big Dick always falsely claimed it was. If we gradually withdraw, the result will be the same - only prolonged.

If we stay, Iraqis and Americans both will continue dying and you, your kids, and your grandkids will be paying to keep a leaky boat afloat on the Tigris River. Meanwhile, George will go back to a job he's more qualified for - manual labor back on the ranch in Crawford.

There is no real debate about Iraq, because there are no real workable alternatives. No matter how much lipstick both parties put on it, Iraq is a pig. A big, grunting, shitting, aggressive boar that's going to chew on our collective legs for a long time to come, no matter what we do or don't do. We're living in the middle of an awesomely scary movie that is equal parts Laurel and Hardy and every scary thought to haunt the mind of Stephen King. And, there's only one thing to say...

George, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Friday, June 23, 2006