Turban-Swathed Foxes Guarding the Hen House

During both of his campaigns, George Bush touted his ability as a "uniter, not a divider". He pledged to bring diverse political elements together to take care of the nation's business in an overwhelming display of unity. Many people, including us, have frequently criticized him for doing just the opposite, so it's with great surprise that we now utter some words we never thought we'd say aloud - George Bush was a man of his word.

Even though many would describe our nation as divided at every level of society, George has been able to bring people together in an unprecedented way. He has the uncanny ability to piss everyone off, regardless of political persuasion. Democrats, Republicans, Independents - it doesn't matter. He's an equal opportunity idiot. He always seems able to find just the right slant, just the right subject, to bring everyone in the county together in a rousing chorus of, "what the hell kind of drugs is this guy on?".

Most recent case in point - hiring the UAE to guard the nation's biggest ports.

This move is obviously so wrong on so many levels. That's what makes it the perfect stick for Chimpy McDumbass to bludgeon himself with. At best it is, "unbelievably tone deaf", in the words of normally supportive Lindsey Graham. At worst, he's hired a country known for exporting the terrorists he continuously yammers about to guard our ports - which he admits are poorly protected already. He has, in effect, given the keys of the hen house to the turban-swathed fox. The Emirs of Terror must have some big juju, because even normally preferred uber-contractor Halliburton wasn't considered for this deal. The Big Dick is probably unbelievably pissed about how this will effect his Halliburton stock, so our advice of Dear Leader is, "watch your back". Dick has a gun and despite his lack of combat experience, knows how to use it.

The trail of this story is now following a familiar Bushonian path. The Moron-in-Chief says he had no idea the deal was approved without his knowledge. Yet, he stands behind the decision, saying at one point that the deal was fully vetted, completely safe, and has his full support. According to him, it is an unbelievably great deal that will provide our vital ports with world-class protection, keeping the world safe for democracy and a growing trade deficit. In fact, he's such a supporter of it that he's threatened to veto any attempts to call it off.

You know, we believe we are so powerfully omnipotent that we'll go out on the safest, strudiest, and most stable limb imaginable - predicting how he'll once again snatch failure from the jaws of victory.

We predict Dubby Boy will pull out all his usual sabers to rattle. He'll whine and cry foul. He'll claim that reversing the decision is partisanship personified - forgetting, of course, that his own party wants his balls on a platter. He'll declare it unpatriotic not to hire a sponsor of terrorism to combat terrorism - because obviously, who knows more about terror than terrorists? Finally, he'll cave to pressure and call the whole thing off by claiming Clinton made him do it. Then, he'll cover the backtracking with yet another display of ineptitude designed to take everyone's mind of the dreaded affair. Wag the dog? Hell, the Chimp can wag the dog, the doghouse, the owner's house, and the dog pound simultaneously...while choking on a pretzel...and falling off a bike.

Never underestimate the power of a Bush administration hell-bent on shooting themselves - or someone else - in the face. As Deadeye Dick can attest, their aim in such matters is excellent.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, February 22, 2006