Elephants With Alzheimer's

It truly is a shame the Republicans didn't support stem cell research when they had the chance. Perhaps if they had, a cure might have been found for their apparent genetic predisposition for memory loss.

The world has known about this horrible affliction for many years. Ronald Reagan was one of its first casualties. He was never able to remember anything unless Nancy was around to whisper reminders in his ear. Without her expert guidance, he'd have puttered off to lunch the first week in office, never to be seen again.

Ronnie, in turn, passed the disease down through the genetic track of the Republican body politic to his Vice President and members of his cabinet. Like Ronnie, Bush 41 never seemed able to recall where he was when the Iran-Contra shenanigans went down - a lapse that cost several of his confidants a little jail time. He also forgot that he said, "NO NEW TAXES", a lapse the voting public helpfully reminded him of by way of a defeat at the polls.

Scientists have traced Bush 43's memory problems to the DNA of his father. Bush the Younger can never remember if he's told us there was a direct link between Al Qaeda and Iraq or whether he's always said the opposite. He has similar memory lapses about a host of other issues including rebuilding the Gulf Coast after Katrina, Jack Abrhamoff's whereabouts, and whether Rumsfeld or Rice is the Secretary of State.

And like Daddy, The Smirk is passing the defective gene to his Veep and Cabinet. The Big Dick is lost in a hazy memory about what he's said and when, while Condi seems to have a particularly virulent strain of the disease that makes her unable to recall if she was warned or not warned about the 9/11 attacks. Scooter and Karl seem to have more than their fair share of "senior moments" too.

Now, the scourge is spreading to other Republicans. Denny Hastert apparently can't remember anything he's heard since 1965 except for the smell of hamburgers and beer and the location of the Republican campaign slush fund. "Mark who?" "Reynolds? Who's he?"

Ohio authorities have posted flyers seeking the whereabouts of Denny's best bud John Boehner who is so confused over what he and Denny did about Mark Foley that he's wandered off in confusion and was last seen crossing Death Valley on foot. As each day of the Foley Follies rolls on, more Republican politicians and a hefty number of their supporters are becoming similarly affected.

Perhaps it's time to address this issue before it becomes a public health threat as big as AIDS.

It's obvious that this disease will continue to spread as long as we allow it to remain untouched. I urge everyone who still has a memory and cherishes their health to join me in supporting the important research to rid the country of this dreaded disease. With your help, scientists can stop this cancer before it goes too far by performing plebiscite surgery on the Capitol. With a few deft votes we can carve this cancer out before it spreads to the saner part of the population.

So write a hefty check to:

Help for Elephants With Alzheimer's
1650 Grand Old Pedophiles Lane
Washington, DC 65432

I thank you for your support.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, October 05, 2006