What Bill and Monica Taught Us

After all the heinous things our Ventriloquist-in-Chief has apparently done, I really do wish he'd simply settled for a BJ from his Groupie-in-Chief, Harriet Meyers. After all, they impeached Slick Willy over Blowjobapalooza, how can we not impeach Dub?

Well, there are several reasons why. Tops on my list is that Big Dick, Little Denny the Menace, and about the next 15 morons in the line of Imperial Idiocy succession are as bad, if not worse, than the current Emperor of Dumb. In other words, be careful about advocating impeachment, you might get exactly what you ask for.

There are also other reasons to consider. Contrary to popular belief, they didn't impeach the Comeback Kid because Monica ministered to his minion. Congress impeached him because he lied about it to a grand jury when he was embarrassed - understandably so after that whole cigar thing surfaced. Bill is a little slick, but he's no Warren G. Harding who always forgot to have the hookers wipe their feet before getting beneath his big mahogany desk.

Impeachment is a traumatic thing for a nation. That's why the founding fathers made it difficult. Otherwise, we'd swap governments every six months like the Italians. They envisioned smooth transitions of power from one administration to the next, not the wrenching, crashing, divisive train wreck of an impeachment.

Should Bill have used Monica for a humidor? Probably not, but that's really none of our concern.

Should he have lied about it to the grand jury? Clearly not.

Should he have been impeached? Legally, yes. Practically? Heavens no! That's what censures are for.

Republicans impeached him because they couldn't get along with him and joined forces with an Independent Counsel with too much time, too much money, and too much modesty. Despite the hypocritical, high-handed calls for "the rule of law", it was not much of the sort. You notice there isn't much of a scramble amongst the Repubs to hold George to a rule of any kind, law or otherwise.

However, this is about Dub.

Did he do something against the law?

Well, the jury's still out and yet to be lied to. We give him the benefit of the doubt, but there's an awful lot of smoke in the White House kitchen and you know what they say about smoke vis-a-vis fire. So far, he's not legally guilty of anything other than being a colossal boob, and last time I checked there's no Constitutional amendment prohibiting boobs from holding office as long as they're born in the US and over 35 years old - both criteria that Dubya sadly seems to satisfy.

Should we impeach him? No. There's that whole practical thing we brought up earlier, but there's also the country to consider.

An impeachment trial is the last thing we need with two wars (and a third coming), natural disasters, a crumbling economy, and assorted other apocalyptic events bubbling on the stove. It would distract Dub, and we all know how easily distracted he is. (OOOOO! Look, a bird!) As for distracting Congress, they can hardly keep campaign contributors straight now. This would drive them over the top.

However, the most important people to consider are we. We're already they laughing stock of the world. We already have too many mistakes still in motion to take up more juggling. We'll have to listen to more hubris and vitriol than any human could tolerate. Left and right are already at one another's throats and don't need any more goading from the peanut gallery. And in the end, they won't impeach him anyway.

So, as much as it pains me to say it, I'm firmly in the censure camp. I hate that it would let him off the hook. I hate that the smugly grinning loon would escape responsibility. I hate that it's a mere slap on the wrist. However, what I don't want is to play old political contributor guy to Dub's and Dick's next quail hunt.

I never have liked being plugged with birdshot and I don't think I'll start now.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Friday, April 28, 2006