Pastor Delay Is One Mean Sumbitch

It was quite a spectacle when "The Hammer" gaveled his Congressional career to a close yesterday. As usual, he was full of defiance, blaming everyone for his downfall except himself. He even claimed he was doing it - not because he felt the breath of approaching prosecutors on his neck - but because he didn't want to damage his party further. Yeah, like that's possible. At least he managed more dignity than Duke Cunningham's blubber fest when he got his ticket to the hoosegow. You never know though, he may just be saving it for the eventual perp walk.

There's no point in analyzing how he came to find himself in this place. Even a casual observer could see this was going to happen when he entered the House back in the Contract on America days. He is a naturally mean-natured, balls-out, greedhead who was destined for the infamy of the gaol from the git-go. His hubris and complete disregard for his enemies, colleagues, and supporters was exactly the kind of political movie we've seen played out for years. Just ask El Jefe now that he's entering the climax of his own movie...How I Was Stupid But Never Learned to Hate the War.

In general, people have a short attention span. But, nothing serves to galvanize it better than pissing in their mouth every chance you get. Sure, they're still smiling and nodding in the right places, but they're thinking, "You son of a bitch, I'll take you down if it's the last thing I do."

And those who stupidly allied themselves with him? Well, just look at old Roy Blount, his handpicked predecessor. Not surprisingly, he didn't get chosen to flick the Majority Whip - not because he was a worse choice than the crookeder than a dog's hind leg, John Boehner. He lost because the House wanted to totally eradicate Delay while he was down, eligible for a good kicking, and unlikely to get back up. In hindsight, Blount's lucky they didn't pitch him out of the House for showing the poor judgment of hooking up with Delay to begin with.

Tommy Boy is already taking steps to remove himself from the House (at least as a Member) and start merging his campaign war chest with his legal defense fund. Between the Feds and Ronnie Earle, we expect Tommy will be tied up in court for a good long while. The legal fights will certainly bleed him dry and his reputation - if he ever had one other than being a stone cold shithead to begin with - will be damaged so much that even Abramoff won't hire him when he gets out of the clink. He is facing many years of being as toxic as the Malithion he used to use as a roach wrangler.

Will he go to jail? Probably not. He has the goods on too many people and there's no appetite for giving him a bully pulpit to expose them. If he does go to jail, it'll be to the cushiest Federal pen they can find, preferably one on the grounds of the golf course at Augusta. He'll serve about two months and be out on parole faster than he can pick a new hair piece for his mug shot. That's the thing about evil sons of a bitches, even when people think they've killed the snake they're still mighty careful around the carcass lest it unexpectedly rise up and bite them.

So, it'll be no Congress. No cushy job. Little or no jail time. He'll even be hard-pressed to go back to squishing real bugs instead of the challengers he's always viewed as bugs. We think his recent Christian persecution tirade foreshadows his ultimate fate. We think he'll pull a Charles Colson, go religious, maybe even start up a lucrative televanglist gig on the side. He has the connections. He has balls of gall. He has a bad hair piece and thinks he's God. He can even sell fire to the Devil himself. It seems like a match - if you'll excuse the pun - made in heaven.

Move aside Jerry, Pat, and Crefalo - there's a new preacher in town and he's one mean sumbitch.

Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, April 05, 2006