And In Other News...Trust us. We know the big news of the day is the selection of a new sacrificial lamb...er, Supreme Court nominee. We know there will be zillions of posts about it. And, we know we hate crowds. That's why we're again following our contrarian bent and going for something a little less political. Besides, there'll be plenty of time to take a swipe or two later after the crowds die down.
- Handyman's Delight, Good Location, Only $1.2 Million! - In a sign that California isn't the only place with skyrocketing housing prices, a 700 sq. ft. bungalow in the Las Vegas suburb of Naked City is going for an asking price of $1.2 million. It's a bit of a fixer upper, with Feliz Navidad painted on the front windows, landscaping consisting of four shriveled cacti and a patio piled with empty cat food boxes. Why so much? Location, location, location of course. It sits on a strip of wasteland directly in the path of Vegas' building boom. Originally purchased for $30,ooo in 1978 it was taken off the market when an offer of $350,000 didn't attract any interest five yeas ago. Perhaps it might be a good little love nest for Siegfried and Roy?
- Osama, Phone Home - The British Foreign Office is investigating the loss of a satellite phone in Iraq after insurgents ran up an $890,000 phone bill. We think they need to look into one of those "unlimited minutes plans" before they hand any more of those things out. The roaming charges must be murder.
- In Which He Takes the Phrase "Bugger Me" Too Literally - In other news from the British Isles, a drunk who claimed he was raped by a dog has been jailed. Martin Hoyle was arrested after a passing motorist found a Staffordshire bull terrier, named Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in West Yorkshire. Hoyle, "mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said the local prosecutor. Yes, but was it love or lust? Still, this does beat the old "the dog ate my homework" excuse.
- Steady On, It Wasn't Dog Porn For Chrissake - In yet another British-based story, a mail order porn shop was recently fined £4,000 because a female customer complained a final video cut didn't contain the explicit scenes depicted on the box. Hmm, all John Ashcroft ever did was try to shut pornographers down. We think we like this consumer protection angle better. By the way, the punchline is that the suit was filed in the town of - wait for it - Dorking. Bud-da-bump.
- Weapons of Mass Distraction Captured - Police in the Iranian city of Bojnourd have apparently captured 65 weapons of mass distraction - titillating mannequins from the local bazaar. Police said it was part of a larger offensive against vandalism and biker gangs. We're not sure we see the connection, but we are sure this is a sign of hope in the continuing War on Terror. Imagine the scene as US cargo planes airdrop sexy mannequins over a town and wait for the vandals and bikers to be overcome by pent up sexual frustration. Why they could just walk right in and take the place over in the chaos.
- And Now on the Food Network - The Poobah regards the world as nothing but a mammoth grocery store. The more exotic the food the better. Wood grubs...tasty! Haggis...top notch! Snake...delicioussssss! As a public service, here are the seven most disgusting foods according to MSNBC. How many have you tried?
- Just a Republican Gigolo - A Texas Republican candidate for the House recently came up with the bright idea of raising cash by going on $25 "fun dates" with contributors. Unaware of the potential downside, he canceled his plans after receiving negative feedback. "I will drop the dating thing completely. No money for 'dating me.' But I'll still accept your contributions as a friendly thing," said the 24-year old. "Friendly"? No word yet on how many broken hearts he left behind, but we assume there were quite a few. After all, where else can a girl get a gigolo (he's anti-gay) for $25 a pop?
- SOOOOOOOO-EEEEEE! - In a similar vein, Newsweek reports that a new dating Website for farmers is helping out the rural love lorn. One prospective dater said she couldn't find a man able to connect with a ranch gal like her. Her reasoning? "I'm looking for a guy who can bait his own hook," she says. Fellow romantic and site customer, John Price, who hasn't had a date in 18 months said, "I'd go out on a date once with just about anyone." Yup. Them's mighty good pickin's. We wonder if ranch gals Jenna and Barbara are signed up yet?
So that's it for another edition of the Poobah Speaks. Good night. Good luck. And don't let the bastards grind you down.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, October 31, 2005
As We See It - Version 7.0
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, October 30, 2005
The Omnipotent Contrarian Speaks!
First up, did you know that Mr. Sulu was gay?
- I Love the Ears, Spock Darling - In what should be classified as the most obvious trip out of the closet since Richard Chamberlain's, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu has joined the ranks of the out and proud crowd by copping to his 18-year relationship with his partner. The turning point? He has an upcoming part in an LA production of Equus (okaaaaay). No word yet on when CNN's Anderson Cooper and Fox's Shep Smith will beam out of the closet. However, as a certified Deity, we'd be happy to marry any of the star-studded couples just to piss off the knuckleheads in the anti-gay marriage crowd.
- Hi. Welcome to Wal-Mart! - Wal-Mart is one huge company with one huge identity crisis. Company officials, who recently suggested to their hiring managers that they should hire younger, healthier workers to cut costs - sorry all you octogenarian Wal-Mart greeters - doesn't understand why everyone hates them. Aside from dominating the retail landscape like a voracious steam shovel in a strip-mine, building stores at a rate that would turn Starbuck's green with envy, and steamrolling local opposition and unionization attempts at every turn, we can't understand it either. But no matter, the Wal-Mart suits are on the case with a make-nice/feel good PR campaign. Our recommendation: just be nice and people will feel good about you. It works much better than spin. Just ask Scooter how spin worked for him.
- Somethin' for Nuthin' and Even the Chicks Ain't Free - Another benchmark in corporate altruism has been set by the Bank of America, which now charges customers a fee if their ATMs refuse a transaction. After finding ways to place a fee on everything else, can it be long before the banks start charging for the air in their lobbies? We hope the bankers don't read this.
- Smoke From Our Ear-ers, Dant, Dant, Da, Dant, Dant, Da Da - The Hard Rock Café in Melbourne is sponsoring an attempt to beat the record for the most guitarists ever playing the same song (Smoke on the Water). Hello? Why not Freebird? Yaaah, Dude!
- It's Not the Twinkie Defense, But It Might Work - Lawyers for a 21-year old student in Hamilton, Ontario have hit on a novel way to beat a rap that he sexually assaulted another student at McMaster University - his dick was too big. Using visual aids like a plastic penis, "experts" said it was so big that it would have caused damage if wielded against an unaroused victim. The alleged perpetrator apparently thinks highly of himself too, referring to his outsized member as his "two by four". We drive a Hummer, it's a "four by four". Sorry, we couldn't resist.
- Trick or Trea...Hey WTF?! - A St. Petersburg couple has stumbled on just what every little trick or treater wants in their goodie bag for Halloween - mints with scriptures printed on the wrapper or bookmarks and pencils. "We're planting a seed in their heart," Bill Malone said. "When they take their bag of goodies home and turn it upside down, out comes their little Bibles. And maybe they'll start to read the Bible. And God...will bring their seed to germination." We're thinking that this whole "seed" thing has gone on a generation or two too long in the Malone family already.
- You Can Use It For Anything - And in other Halloween news, an eighth-grade Tim Allen wannabe must have picked up a few tips from reruns of Home Improvement. He made a duct tape version of a Batman costume. No word on how he'll get the sticky costume off, but you might want to buy stock in Goo-Gone.
We must go now. Our work here is done.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Saturday, October 29, 2005
Tammy Faye Packs Up the Eyeliner
A big one dropped this morning when Harriet Miers (aka Tammy Faye) withdrew her SCOTUS nomination. Her resignation letter made it sound as if this was a titanic battle between the Executive and Legislative branches along the lines of what she might have had to rule on if she had gotten the seat. However, many are suggesting that the Senate's demands for paperwork they knew Shrub wouldn't release really was an orchestrated crisis to get the Bushster out of some of the hot water he's been boiling in as of late.
So, Harriet packed up the old eyeliner and let her brilliant mentor off the hook. Chimpus Maximus said he reluctantly accepted the resignation, but we bet there was a little hootin', hollerin' and Texas Two-Steppin' when he got the news. "I'm off the hook at last, off the hook at last, great God Almighty, I'm off the hook at last."
The question now is where does Mizz Harriet go from here?
Perhaps she can replace Turd Blossom since it appears that tomorrow may be his last day on the job. Or maybe she can take Scooter's spot over on Cheney's staff. It seems there will be plenty of openings coming up, what with the expected Friday round of indictments coming and all. We'd love to see her become the Veep, but we shan't allow ourselves to dream about that.
Maybe she could move over to Congress. After all, she has held a political office rather even if she had never been a judge. By golly, she would be positively overqualified by Bushonian standards - a crony with a resume item that actually matches the requirements of the position. How's that for a bold new conservative agenda?
But there are still choices - the House or the Senate.
We'd bank on the House. There'll probably be a seat opening up from her home state of Texas soon. Although the Senate might have an equally important spot when Frist goes down. Either way, we're sure the White House would be positively orgasmic over either prospect. Another month or two of scandal and superfluous debate to keep the public's attention off Iraq and the economy, coupled with virtually owning a leadership spot in at least one of the Houses would really boost his bold vision of more avarice, greed and hubris.
But what about the other "background noise" the President hears over the hum of his spin machine?
Perhaps Cheney and Rumsfeld can withdraw their support for Iraq. It would make a nice bookend to go along with Harriet's withdrawal and complete the humiliation. Maybe the retooling of the retooling in Homeland Security and intelligence will dazzle everyone enough so they don't notice the iceberg over the rail as they rearrange the deck chairs. The hubbub about Katrina has died down even if Brownie has signed on for an additional 30 days to completely snuff out any credibility on the FEMA front. Besides, Brother Jeb has already taken another bullet for Brother Dub by accepting responsibility for the growing Wilma mess - brotherly love always brings a tear to my eye. Since those problems are looking solved, Emperor Clothesless II can just ignore the economy, global warming, social security reform and a workable energy policy. We think he'd even have enough room to squeeze out a few days for another vacation.
Whaddaya think? Has Brownie signed on to help the administration? It sure sounds like it.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, October 27, 2005
Just Call Us Joe
Just call us Joe.
Over the past year the Poobah's Intergalactic Abode has been struck by a runaway moving van, which crumbled the garage and totaled a vehicle on its path of rampant destruction. There have been two deaths in the family. A backed up sewer caused the Great $6,000 Hole to be dug. We've needed several thousand dollars of work on our Petulant Poobahmobile, which we recently backed into with our auxiliary Poobahmobile. We've needed to purchase several large appliances, take the Omnipotent Pooch to the vet several times for injuries to her furry little ass, and suffered myriad other indignities on a near-daily basis. For us the last year has been, as Queen Elizabeth once said about the year her castle burned, "annis horribilius".
But perhaps the most troublesome of all our woes was being laid off - or "made redundant" as our civilized British friends put it. A tight job market is not the place to land when you are a 50 year old Deity with waning powers of omnipotence and too much experience.
In the seven months since the layoff, we've attended job fairs, networked with dozens of friends and acquaintances and sent enough resumes that we need the omnipotent abacus to tally them all. We've been to dozens of interviews, which went swimmingly until it was time for the offers that never came. All the potential employers provided positive feedback on our performance and the "reemployment specialists" provided by our former employer all vouched for the fact that our qualifications are impeccable, our resume sound and our job hunting strategy is top notch.
All this turmoil is a bitter pill to swallow for someone who has always had exemplary performance reviews and has done their best to excel and insulate themselves from the vagaries of roller coaster economies. But perhaps an even bitterer pill is the one dispensed by our former employer. After taking nearly a year to decide what our final fate would be, they showed us the door while posting our existing job for someone else to take over. That job, now nearly seven months later, remains posted. Just another sterling example of corporate behavior at its best.
So now we spend long days searching for job leads, crafting resumes, taking innumerable interviews, avoiding all the other flotsam and jetsam of everyday life and spending time with you, our readers. Of all the time we spend on things these days, we consider the time we spend here as our most treasured and well spent.
Thank you for the opportunity to serve you.
Oh yea... and if you no someone who needs a talented communications person in the SF Bay area, let us know. We'll be eternally in your debt.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, October 26, 2005
As We See It - Version 6.0
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Perfect Storm
Another day, another perfect storm - and we don't just mean the weather either.
The big events of the day are now coming so fast and furious that most of the news junkies I know are as happy as a crystal meth user with their own lab. It's almost enough to make us feel sorry for the Clown Prince, but not quite. We figure he was the one who stirred up most of this shitstorm so we figure he should be the one to get most of the shit thrown on him.
So let's get to work and see if we can untangle this mess - from a purely journalistic standpoint you know:
- The Blind Leading the Blind - Senate Majority Leader and unindicted felon Bill Frist got bad news today as the probe into his financial holdings picked up some steam. In a shocking development, it appears as though Frist's blind trust was doing a little peeking out from under the blindfold. But Repugnantans should have no fear. He's still clinging to the hope of running for Prez next time up. With a candidate like him, the Dems can only take a page from the Dubya Memorial Playbook of Farcical Phrases and say, "Bring 'em on!"
- Gee, Who Would Have Believed This - In another shocking development, the folks who brought you the Patriot Act amid promises that expanded surveillance powers wouldn't be abused have been caught with their wire taps showing. "That is a relatively uncommon occurrence. The vast majority of the potential [violations] reported have to do with administrative timelines and time frames for renewing orders," according to a PR G-Man. Rare? By the best count available - the records provided in a Freedom of Information Act filing were strangely "incomplete" - there were 287 potential violations over a three year period. We're no math whiz like the one drawing up budgets these days, but that works out to 95.6 violations per year. We think they're setting their bar for "rare" a little high.
- Playing the Plame Game - As the Plamegate investigation inches toward a finale this week, the White House has already started to dig in. Talking points issued over the weekend make the whole affair sound more Lewinskyesque than a serious breech of security. The talking points may not take hold though. Even well-known crackpot George Allen (R-Shit Creek) is calling for resignations if there are indictments. With the WH already behind the power curve in so many other areas, the loss of Turd Blossom and Scooter could be a big setback. However, we're still holding out hope that the prosecutor's net snags Big Dick himself. We'd love to see him on a perp walk holding hands with Delay and Frist. Why it would just bring tears to our omnipotent eyes we tell ya.
- OW! Damn! I Hate It When I Do That - With his foot still bleeding from previous self-inflicted gunshots to the boot, the Crawford Cowboy compounded his injuries today by saying he will not release documents requested by Senators so they can figure out who the hell his "Tammy Faye of the Bench" really is. Harriet may think he's the most brilliant man she ever met, but all we can say is if that's the case, she needs to get out more.
- The Little Dutch Boy Just Got Tired - And finally, the oft-inundated 9th Ward in New Orleans flooded again today just as investigators were releasing details of a design flaw in the original levee's construction. We're sure that any day we'll be seeing an Army Corps of Engineer spokesperson explaining how the levees were designed to fail and operated exactly as designed. They, of course, will be dressed in a flight suit and be standing in front of a gigantic "Mission Accomplished" sign to make the announcement.
So the perfect storm moves on. However, if the past few months are any indication we won't be able to look forward to brightness and sunshine tomorrow. There's a 100% chance of greed, avarice, and supreme hubris for tomorrow afternoon with an unbroken chain of scandals continuing on into the late evening.
Have a nice day.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Monday, October 24, 2005
This Post SucksWe're in one of those omnipotently weird moods today. It's Sunday, our least favorite of days. Our skin feels like it doesn't fit, making us fidgety and uncomfortable. We're having some difficulty in choosing a suitable topic.
On the other hand, nothing bad has happened, which for us is a rare treat indeed. Perhaps this posting will put an end to that.
- Scooter Libby once joked that he planned to keep working for The Big Dick until, "I get indicted or something.". The man's a freakin' Nostradamus - or maybe just crooked. We can't tell.
- Why is it that you never see cats at the beach? It's like a huge litter box - full of sand and dead smelly stuff. What's not to like, from a feline perspective we mean?
- We once came up with an idea called "Beach in a Box". A cardboard box full of beach sand. Open it up, slide it under your feet, and viola, you're transported from your sucky cubicle to a beach in Tahiti. We saw it for sale several years later. This is why we are not wealthy.
- We knew Webvan was a crap idea from the moment it launched and staunchly resisted investing in it. You saw what happened. This is why we are not poor.
- We're not in the habit of mourning the loss of major multinational corporations, but AT&T is about ready to go the way of the dodo. We can't help remembering it as a largely benevolent monopoly where the phones always worked and you paid a fair price. Quality, fair prices, and good service are gone now. Now we pay $89 for a phone that doesn't work and we have to call Bangalore to have our complaints ignored. We feel old.
- We're proud to be American and all, but culturally, Canada is way cooler than most places. They have hockey and curling, Dead Tim's and some of the best place names ever. Can you top Moose Factory? We thought not.
- We never believed the racism claims against Denny's. As far as we can see, they treat everyone equally bad.
- We once visited a Lipton's tea plant and watched the tea taster at work. All he did was sip, swish, and spit. They say it is a demanding job, but we we don't see it. Armpit smeller, now there's a demanding job.
- Kari Byron of Mythbusters is the cutest woman on television. Perhaps not the obvious choice, but still very, very cute.
- These are several words and/or concepts we abhor: outsourcing, Walmartization, George Bush, Pro Life, War on Terror, win-win, and instant coffee.
- We dance very poorly, despite the fact that we are omnipotent.
- We are very shy. No one believes us.
- Our coat once exploded. It's a long story we'll tell someday.
- Our house was hit by a runaway moving van a year ago this month. We are still waiting for Budget rent-a-truck to pay damages caused when they brakes on their truck failed.
- The best Mexican food Mrs. Poobah and we ever ate was at the Ace Café in Alamosa, Colorado.
- The BTK Killer was the living proof of the banality of evil.
And last, but not least...we should have picked a different topic. This one sucked.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Sunday, October 23, 2005
Stop! Our Head is Spinning!As we write this, the whirling dervish known as Hurricane Wilma is bouncing around the Gulf Coast creating tremendous potential for new waterfront properties and low, low prices for Mexican vacations in about six months.
In preparation, Michael Brown (who's still on the government payroll as a consultant) and Michael Chertoff (who is still on the government payroll as an idiot) are making their dinner reservations early so they can get back to the "hard work" of hurricane cleanup, Lord and Lady Bush are saddling up Air Force One for a new round of Wilma photo ops, and Jeb is a beaming ray of sunshine, telling people everything is under control...sorta.
So with all the sterling success, it's little wonder that another Bush crony - Karen Hughes, Ministeress of Misinformation - is having some problems on her current Indonesian swing. On Friday, she told a group of Muslims that the overthrow of Saddam was a good thing because he had gassed 300,000 of his own people.
The problem was that the number was far, far smaller - like 295,000 smaller. Upon news of the gaffe, State Department spokespeople wound up the old "clarification" machine and began trying to explain what Karen really meant to say.
It's a familiar sight when one of the administration's top cronies opens their mouth.
When will they ever learn to actually say what they mean? For an administration supposedly renown for their "straight talking manner", the Chimp-in-Chief and his minions are apparently a very inarticulate bunch. The "clarifications" for their speeches often take longer than the speeches themselves.
Now we aren't pretending to defend Saddam here. No one disputes he's a bad guy and richly deserving of being overthrown. The question is whether the US should have been the one to do it and whether truth - rather than a long, inglorious record of Bush puffery - should carry the day.
This little incident is but one example of the administration's folly of image over style. You can't erase the criminally poor job of FEMA with a dozen photo ops. You can't dress like GI Joe and declare a war over just as the killing really gets rolling. You can't consistently lie about things to get your way forever, because lies always come home to roost.
If Karen's "mission" is improving the US's image abroad, we're guessing the lie didn't play so well in Muslim Jakarta - a place that already seethes about all the other lies we've told them. Are we the only one who thinks it's just a little embarrassing when our own PR Czarina has to have her own PR pawns "correct" her own PR? If incompetence is a hallmark of a crony, Karen Hughes is Exhibit A - well, maybe Exhibit B...Brownie was pretty bad, even by Bushonian standards.
We'd like to humbly suggest an alternative to El Presidente - tell the truth and act responsible. If you do, you could balance the budget by getting rid of all the PR flacks busily covering each other's asses. This should be easy if you are as enamored of personal responsibility as you say you are. Can the cronies, fess up to the fact that you muffed the war (on Saddam and on terror, take your pick), the economy, Harriet Miers, and an amazing plethora of other mistakes you so uncannily seek out at every opportunity. Say you're sorry. Don't do it again. And start doing the right (and we don't mean the political right) thing. If you want an example, look no farther than our own military.
Ironically, those we depend on to do the country's dirty work actually turn out to be doing most of the country's good work too. Despite the fact that Brownie couldn't seem to move a can of soup to Louisiana, the military has managed to bring tons of relief supplies to victims in Pakistan. They were the saviors when you and Brownie could find your asses in a New Orleans top hat. They are the ones who continue, without complaint, to go to work and die in that abortion you call a War on Terror. They are the ones who are overstretched, living in poverty, and still drive the unarmored Humvees you and Rummy promised to take care of months ago. They will still be there when your sorry ass has packed up to go build Dubya's Presidential Lie-Bary in Crawford.
See, that's the thing George. Tell the truth. Get out of the way of people who actually know how to do something other than clear brush back on the ranch. Don't explain the mistakes. Try not making them instead.
We know it's a novel approach, but it works and works well.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Saturday, October 22, 2005
As We See It - Version 5.0
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Thursday, October 20, 2005
How Harriet Got the Nod
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Wednesday, October 19, 2005
An E-Mail From Mrs. Fati ZongoOur omnipotent e-mail, like most people's these days, is crammed with a wide assortment of Viagra, penis enlargement, fake Rolex watch, and mortgage offers. Most are pretty mundane and obviously shills for something that is probably at least vaguely illegal. Many don't even provide much entertainment value, unless you count the intentional misspellings to defeat our omnipotent spam filters.
However, we do have some favorites.
Some of the phishing scams are quite good and very believable - more proof that if we could find a way to channel the energy and talent of felons into something good, like government, we might even be able to handle a hurricane.
Oops. Our bad.
We recently received two similar versions of the same scam and present the better of the them here for your reading pleasure. We've been known to give panhandlers money on occasion, not because we fell for their rap, but because the story was so good and well acted - sort of an admission to the show if you will. Of course we'd never fall for this one, but we're tempted to send them a few bucks because it's just such gosh darn good entertainment.
(Spelling and grammar are original, we've added the links.)
I crave your indulgence at this mail coming from somebody you have not know before. I decided to do this after praying over the situation. You should please consider the transaction on its content and not the fact that you have not known me before.
I need not dwell on how I came by your contact information because there are many such possibilities these days.I would like to introduce myself as Mrs. FATI ZONGO, of Repulic of Benin, widow to late CHIEF JULIUS O. ZONGO (for Consular of the Benin).
I have been recently been daigonosed of Cancer of the Pelvics. I am writing from my sick bed. There is this US$10.5 million my husband has in an account with the African Development Bank, Benin of which I am the next of kin. With my health condition and because my husband and I have no children, I am looking for a credible person to whom I will pass the right of next of kin.
This person will apply to the bank and request for the transfer of the fund to his/her bank account. This is on the condition that you will take 25% of the fund for yourself, 5% used for expenses, while you will use the remaining 70% for the less previlege people in the society. This is in fulfilment of the last request of my husband: that a substantial part of the fund be used to carter for the less previleged.
If this condition is acceptable to you, you should contact me immediately with your full names and contact information so that I will ask our family lawyer to prepare the authorization that will give you the right of next of kin to the account in the bank.
I will also give you a text of the application you are to send to the bank. I cannot predict what will be my fate by the time the fund will be transfered into your account, but you should please ensure that the fund is used as I have described above.
I look forward to your response.
NOTE: THE DEED OF LODGEMENT WILL BE SENT TO YOU UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR RESPONSE OF THIS EMAIL MESSAGE.
Truth Told by Omnipotent Poobah, Tuesday, October 18, 2005